B'day card humor for investors ...
Was surprised to see such current humor in a birthday card I bought this afternoon ...
FRONT: "The best birthday present I could give you is to help you achieve financial independence. The first step is to learn the stock market lingo."
INSIDE: Stock Market Dictionary for the Amateur Investor
(a few of the better ones, IMO:)
* Institutional investor -- day trader who's locked up in a nut house.
* Momentum investing -- the art of buying high and selling low.
* Value investing -- the art of buying low and selling lower.
* Liquidity -- Liquid, i.e., beer, plus stupidity. A necessary qualification for investing in Internet stocks.
* Earnings below expectations -- an inadequate salary prompting your wife to run off with her personal trainer.
* Standard & Poor -- your life in a nutshell.
* Bull market -- a random market movement causing an investor to mistake him/herself for a financial genius.
* Bear market -- a six- to eight-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no new jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
* Stock split -- when your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
* Financial planner -- a guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
* Stock analyst -- cow and sheep psychiatrist who also moonlights as the jerk who just downgraded your stock.
* Cash flow -- the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
* Straddle -- what you do to celebrate after launching your own IPO (involves two French girls and a lot of champagne).
* Microsoft -- a condition temproarily remedied by PFE's Viagra.
* Yahoo -- what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540/sh
* Windows 2000 -- what you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought YHOO for $540/sh
* Return on assets -- the amount of money per boob inherited upon the death of your husband (see Anna Nicole Smith)
* Profit -- religious guy who talks to God
* God -- Alan Greenspan
* Internet -- an important new way for teenage boys to find pictures of naked women
The above from card copyright "In Your Face Cards, 4091 Splendor Way, SLC, UT 84124." (Actually, copyright Recycled Paper Greetings, Inc, Chicago, Illinois).
The company adds to the copyright info:
"In Your Face Cards" was awarded the 1999 Nobull Prize for Greeting Cards and was recently honored by the International Wild Life Society for making life a little more ... wild.
"Much attention has been focused lately on the need for protecting wild life. At "In your Face Cards, we do something about it. We established the "In Your Face Wild Life Preserve in downtown Salt Lake City, where people whose behavior is a little different can come and just go nuts.
"If you feel the pressures of everyday urban life are stifling your creativity and endangering your true behavior, give us a call (801-272-5357).
"Join our 'Million Morons March' scheduled some time in 2010 whenever we can get off work. This is an impotent event in our efforts to increase public awareness of the plight of the newest political minority group, the Behaviorly Bizarre Americans. In Your Face Cards pledges (that) 100% of the prophets of every card will go to athletic supporters of this repressed minority.
"Remember our motto: Different is good, crazy is better, less is more, more or less, and too much is not enough except when it's just right."
<g>
'b-i-a'
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