Debate survival tips to see them through
Who will deliver that knockout blow? Get your odds here
Scott Feschuk
National Post
JEAN CHRETIEN, LIBERALS
- What he must do to win: The Liberal leader has the most to lose in tonight's debate as the front-runner, so he will want to use his opening statement to alert the TV audience to the fact that for the next two hours, his party's Web site will offer free-streaming porn.
- What he must not do: Mr. Chrétien must avoid getting caught up in the moment and, sensing the relative weakness of the opposition parties, opt on the spot to call yet another snap election. Also, he'll want to avoid appearing overconfident, so ixnay on the hammock.
- He'll be happy if: The moderator's watch is running fast.
- Odds that he'll "knock out" someone: 12-1.
- Odds that he'll "puzzle, mystify and otherwise baffle" just about everyone with his oratorical incoherence: 2-5.
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STOCKWELL DAY, CANADIAN ALLIANCE
- What he must do to win: Persuade skeptical Ontarians that he is a viable contender by appearing "prime ministerial." To that end, he'll want to focus on mangling both official languages, reiterating musty, hackneyed ideas and overusing the phrase, "But for me ... "
- What he must not do: Cackle maniacally and rub his hands together with devilish glee when someone mentions "two-tiered health care."
- He'll be happy if: Organizers relent and acquiesce to his request that these debates include a segment devoted to a swimsuit competition.
- Odds that he'll "knock out" someone: 7-2.
- Odds that combative Alliance MP Darrel Stinson will "knock out" that someone again, just to be sure: even.
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GILLES DUCEPPE, BLOC QUEBECOIS
- What he must do to win: Work with technical advisors to ensure that viewers can't see the wires that place his arms and mouth at the command of the shadowy, catwalk-prowling figure of Lucien Bouchard.
- What he must not do: Fall for the crafty Liberal trick in which a geeky hairnet is delivered to his dressing room in a box labelled: "Liberal-Beatin', Brain-Enhancin' Thinking Cap (Ideal for Wearing During Federal Election Debates!)"
- He'll be happy if: Celine Dion comes out of retirement, and not a damn minute sooner!
- Odds that he'll "knock out" someone: 8-1.
- Odds that Jacques Parizeau will halt the ensuing momentum by getting all excited and xenophobic: 2-1.
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ALEXA MCDONOUGH, NEW DEMOCRATS
- What she must do to win: Spike the drinking water of her rivals with a robust laxative.
- What she must not do: "Good evening (glances down at text). Thank you for (glances down) joining us (glances down) here (glances down ... and again) to- (glances down) night. (Glances down) I am Alexa (glances down) McDonough ... "
- She'll be happy if: Not a single journalist addresses her as "Alexis" or "Audrey" or, more dispiriting yet, "Mr. Broadbent."
- Odds that she'll "knock out" someone: 6-1.
- Odds that she'll mention Tommy Douglas within the first eight seconds of her opening statement: 7-5.
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JOE CLARK, PROGRESSIVE CONSERVATIVES
- What he must do to win: Muster the physical stamina required to engage in a pair of draining, demanding two-hour debates while carrying upon his shoulders not only the hopes of a diminished national party but also the curvy frame of his foxy, bikini-clad daughter.
- What he must not do: Giggle when he utters the phrase, "When we Conservatives form the next government ... "
- He'll be happy if: A benevolent genie would agree to turn back the hands of time to the precise moment that Mr. Clark announced his intention to return to politics, so that the Tory leader could intervene and kick his own ass for getting into this freaking mess.
- Odds that he'll "knock out" someone: 4-1.
- Odds that it will be himself: 9-5.
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