THE PREGNANT CHAD
INTENT OF THE UNDERVOTERS
By: Ed Henry
Is there any doubt that whoever finally wins this 50-50 draw, he should fill his cabinet with people named "Chad?" Just think of it, Chad
Punchworthy for Press Secretary, and Chad Nichols for Secretary of the Treasury. And we’ve got to have at least one person capable of
becoming a "pregnant chad," don’t we? How about Madeleine Chadbottom for Secretary of State?
Never in the history of data processing has so much attention been given to the simplest of sorter problems. The easiest to correct. All, while
almost completely ignoring what goes on inside the machines or inside the human mind making hundreds of choices when separating and
counting by hand.
Try to imagine what it’s like to stare at an IBM punch card, with all its many columns and rows, while you try to make your eyeballs and mind
simulate a photo-electric process. You might as well stick your head in a copy machine for eight hours.
No wonder the rest of the world has been laughing and joking about us. All they’ve needed to do was to watch our penetrating news analysis
and twenty-four hour broadcasts for the last week or two.
And now, as I write this, it’s been eight days since our one and only day to pick a President. And now, after many machine runs of the data, an
even more ominous and erroneous question has arisen from the dark depression of the democratic process. A real depression known as the
"pregnant chad" is liable to make its way to the Florida State Supreme Court and even the third branch of our federal government.
THE PREGNANT CHAD
God only knows what reason there might be for one cell of an IBM card to form a very slight bump or depression when the others are punched
out, gone, hanging or obviously untouched. Maybe somebody rested the punch stylus here for a moment, unwittingly pressed down with their
knuckle or fingernail. Maybe it even happened while inserting or taking out the card. But, good gracious, there’s also the possibility that this
person intended to punch this slot and just didn’t have the strength. We can’t ignore that possibility can we?
I don’t know about you, but every time I’ve voted via the IBM card method, even the butterfly voting system, I knew when the hole had been
punched. I could feel it. Sometimes I could even hear it go through. There’s not a whole lot of chance that you miss the "pop" that occurs when
you punch through this piece of perforated hardboard. What do we have to do? Provide tap hammers for the people of Palm Beach and South
Florida?
But now, courts will debate the possible intention of voters who left a pregnant chad behind. Voters who might have been undervoters. You do
remember them, don’t you.
UNDERVOTING
During the elections of 1998, a new idea was put forward by the good souls who believe that every eligible person should do his civic duty by
voting, even if totally disgusted with the main candidates offered. All anyone so disenchanted would have to do was to register, go to the polls,
and vote only on the local issues or for the people you know and trust. Leave everything else blank.
This was called undervoting. It’s not a bad idea. At least, it’s some participation. But now, undervoting may be redefined as a form of voting
after all.
If an undervoter dimpled, dented, or made any sort of impression on his or her ballot card, then it’s liable to be counted as a vote. If, when
inserting the IBM card in its slot and over the pegs meant to position the card properly, the voter tended to push down on the card, then maybe
he created a preggie chad. Since Presidential choices were at the top of the card closest to the pegs, this might have happened to a great
many undervoters. Maybe their fingers or fingernails did it when they removed their cards. Who knows?
At any rate, many soothsayers, astronomers and sensitive clairvoyants in Palm Beach feel capable of divining the real intent of these
undervoters. Subconsciously, these undervoters really wanted to vote for a President anyway. They are certain about this. With the proper
sensitivity, a lot of hard looking, and carefully tuning to the aura left on the card, everyone’s vote can be determined accurately.
It certainly isn’t the first time we’ve had these mystic performances in government and the White House. |
