I see that during my brief absence the quality of postings on this thread deteriorated markedly. So pull up your socks, you bunch of redneck hicks.
Here's a recent statement from Buckingham Palace. It's been widely publicised, but I think it'll be news for you:
Formal Announcement on Behalf of HRM Queen Elizabeth II
To The citizens of the United States of America.
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime-minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP, for the 97% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like," "dude," and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will inform Microsoft on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.
6. You should stop playing American football.
There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.
The 3% of you who have traveled outside your borders may be aware that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls - it is a difficult game. In time, those of you brave enough will be allowed to play rugby. Rugby is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping
and resting every twenty seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies. We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The Russians were never really the bad guys, but you didn't get it.
"Merde" is French for "shit" by the way. Please try to teach your Afro-Americans to use this more cultured term in their rap music.
8. The price of petrol (which you call "gas", when it isn't) will be raised to a level that might remind you that the world is fast running out of the stuff. And wrecking the climate at the same time. Look up "pedestrian".
9. American reference books incorrectly show that everything was invented by Thomas Edison (aka Mark Twain). These will be changed to credit the British inventors of: the electric motor, trains, television, computers, parliamentary democracy, gravity, the English Language, cricket (also football, tennis, badminton, table tennis, rugby, golf etc), irony, apple pie, Christmas trees etc. etc.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Elizabeth II. |
