NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
>In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
>govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>independence, effective today.
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
>all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
>does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
>the 98.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
>outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
>for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
>questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
>noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
>are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
>your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
>same
>twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
>know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
>"interspersed".
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf.
>
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>really isn't that hard.
>
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys.
>
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
>confused and give up half way through.
>
>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
>game.
>The 1.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
>difficult
>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
>2005.
>
>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
>they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
>is
>a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
>have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
>
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
>10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>Thank you for your cooperation.
(received via email from a friend) |
