It May Not Be Wise to Take Wall Street at Its Own Words
By JONATHAN CLEMENTS
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
"It's a dead-cat bounce": Believe me, there is no justification for this rally.
"The market is in a narrow trading range": Prices aren't jumping around as much as usual, and nobody can figure out why.
"Bonds retreated on bearish comments from the Fed": Once again, nobody understood what Alan Greenspan said. But why else could bonds have fallen?
"We're near-term cautious but long-term optimistic": Don't blame us if the market tanks.
"The stock market was down on technical factors": We have no idea why shares fell.
"The market fell on heavy selling by mutual funds": We still have no idea why the market fell. But everybody knows small investors are stupid, right?
"The trend is your friend": Stocks have been going up.
"Trees don't grow to the sky": Stocks stopped going up.
"The market is looking a little extended": We're dumping everything.
"Don't miss this compelling opportunity": I need the commission.
"The market climbs a wall of worry": Sure, it is tough to be blasé about rising oil prices, climbing interest rates and Middle East tensions. But I really, really need the commission.
"It isn't a loss until you sell it": You took a bath in the stock, but let's ignore it, and maybe it will go away.
"Focus on total return": Please, please, please don't notice the fund's outrageously high expenses.
"It's cheap on a relative basis": It is pretty darn expensive, but other folks own stuff that is even more ridiculously priced.
"It's fairly valued": If the stock climbs a few more bucks, we're unloading this puppy.
"We've got some great values in our portfolio": Our stocks have been massacred.
"We buy growth at a reasonable price": We're holding our noses and paying up for some pretty expensive stocks.
"We're long-term investors": The stock tanked, but we are hanging on, hoping to break even.
"We think the stock is a potential buyout candidate": I sure hope some corporate raider is reading this.
"The stock's oversold": We never imagined the shares could fall this far.
"Nobody ever went broke taking profits": We bought the stock at $16, sold it at $32, and two weeks later it hit $114.
"The company's quarterly earnings beat expectations": The chief financial officer sandbagged analysts.
"We've researched this company thoroughly": Here's what we heard from the company's vice president of investor relations.
"We're fundamental investors": We listen to the chief executive's sales pitch.
"We're technical investors": We skip the sales pitch and pull out the Ouija board.
"We buy companies, not pieces of paper": I majored in philosophy.
"Our strength is evaluating corporate management": We play a lot of golf.
"The company has solid fundamentals": It is a shame the shares are so absurdly overvalued.
"It's a New Economy stock": Don't even bother asking about earnings.
"We rate the stock a strong buy": We need the company's investment-banking business.
"We consider the stock attractive long-term": The next year is going to be rough.
"We rate the stock a hold": For goodness sake, dump your shares.
"We rate it a sell": I'm hoping to get the early-retirement package. |
