Woodwind Repair Story
This story comes from Larry Long, 2nd bassoon of the Owensboro Symphony, who swears it is true. He works as a woodwind repairman at Music Central in Bowling Green, KY.
Last week a woman called the store asking for a repairman. The reconstructed conversation follows:
Woman: I need a repairman to come out to the house immediately.
Larry: Well, Ma'am, we don't usually make house calls. Can't you bring the instrument to the shop?
Woman: No, you don't understand, this is an emergency. My son has his penis stuck in his clarinet.
Larry: Well, Ma'am, what do you expect me to do?
Woman: I want you to come get it off!
Larry: Ma'am I'm really sorry but I can't do that. You'll have to call 911 or take him to the emergency room.
Woman: No, you don't understand, I don't want the doctor to hurt the clarinet, because it's not paid for yet.
This is the end of the story as related, but Larry says several questions come to mind:
1. Which end of the clarinet?
2. E-Flat?, B-flat, A, or bass?
3. What Is going to happen to this kid the next time he hears a Sousa march?
TOP TEN LIST-THINGS HEARD AT THE MUSIC STORE AFTER THAT PHONE CALL...
10. Does your cork grease come in a larger tube?
9. Yes, our emergency repair phone number l-800-db music.
8. Will there be anything else?.. Reeds, key oil, KY jelly?
7. Do you have any LaVoz extra hard reeds #7
6. But mom, all the guys in the low brass section said clarinetists were pussies!
5. Really, I was just sitting there and this clarinet attacked me!
4. Is that a clarinet in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
3. Are you the kid who got his dick stuck in his clarinet?
2. No son, what I said was for you to practice your fucking clarinet!
1. Yeah, well I got mine stuck in a bassoon. |
