Very astute
Mad2
Newflash from the North Pole
I Regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current,
overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies,
so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are
a few
differences between us:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . " when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The
last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as
well. One is Ford logo with lights that race through the letters, and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to
Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include
Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over
By a Reindeer."
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) |
