22 Rules For Being A Good Republican
------------------------------------
1) You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity
was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that
yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve
success all on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, but expect Social
Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's
lives, yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender
marriages and what your official language should be.
5) You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes
a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't
pray to Allah or Buddha.
7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions
about her own body, but that large multinational corporations
should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
9) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares
your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
10) You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up
black in America doesn't diminish one's opportunities, but you
still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
11) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend
$50 million dollars to attack Clinton, because no other U.S.
presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun
is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important
concern for all Americans.
13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools,
because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't
have sex.
14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the
Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the
Constitution.
15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and
that Europe doesn't exist.
16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to
deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate
and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because
if we just ignore it, it will go away.
17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the
morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human
sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is
good reading.
18) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed
more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
19) You have to believe that even though most governments around the
world support public health care, our government should shun any
such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own
and the poor don't need any.
20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent
of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those
forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and
animals therein.
21) You have to be comfortable belonging to the same party as members
of white supremacist groups, the KKK, and neo-Nazi groups, as well
as David Koresh and Timothy McVeigh, and people who assassinate
doctors and bomb women's health clinics.
22) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt
Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital
infidelities, but that that bastard Clinton should be impeached. |
