friday's funnies...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves...
The Top 10 Signs That You've Joined A Cheap HMO...
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters...
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park..."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle...
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter...
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day..."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month...
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo...
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming...
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little m's on them...
1. When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape...
You Know Your Trailer Trash When...
1.The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse...
2.You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids...
3.You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws...
4.You think a woman who's out of your league bowls on a different night...
5.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean...
6.Someone in your family died after saying, "Hey, watch this!..."
7.You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss...
8.Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan...
9.Your junior prom had a day care...
10.You think the last words of "The Star-Spangled Banner" are, "Gentlemen, start your engines!..."
11.You light a match in the bathroom and your house explodes right off its wheels...
12.Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs...
13.The Blue Book value of your truck depends on how much gas is in it...
14.You have to go outside to get something from the fridge...
15.One of your kids was born on a pool table...
16.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos...
17.You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it...
18.You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk...
19.Your toilet paper has numbers on it...
Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger. Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. "Well," the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other one's head straightened around, he was dead, too..."
New bumper sticker seen on a Florida car:
"Don't blame me, I voted for both of them..."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong."When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"
and finally...
TOP TEN ITEMS ON GEORGE W. BUSH'S TO-DO LIST NOW THAT HE'S THE PRESIDENT-ELECT...
10) Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper...
9) Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad..."
8) Send message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box..."
7) Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies..."
6) Keep distance from Cheney...don't want to catch heart disease...
5) Start mending fences with Democrats...appoint Gore "Secretary of Losers..."
4) Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton...
3) Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: "I have a dream...then I wake up..."
2) As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen...
1) Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race...
good fortune...
pops |
