BREAKING NEWS: BUSH SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE
Lack of Standards Decried
Austin, TX (Dec. 13)--Attorneys for president-elect George W. Bush filed
suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making
his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate
injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to
effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good
boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge
to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and
duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice.
It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need
to check? This checking, checking and re-checking over and over again
must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove
all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty
instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what
he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their
security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked
right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or
nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr.
Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your
list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure
now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a
name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development
with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via
dogsled. The "Rainbow Mush for Justice" is scheduled to leave Friday.
"We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he
was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the
spokeself. Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be
placed in jeopardy. Santa is apparently not qualified for any other
job, and no one is sure what he might do if he loses this battle. |
