If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to
a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a book so you can learn
to read and write? I am giving your
older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and
the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
XOXO,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but
for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the
baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up
to come back to your frigid Mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It's
time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice LEGOs
instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a
train, some G. I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"
nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under
the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots
make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck
in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this
year. Please, please, please, PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work
with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?>
Love,
Marky,
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky";
that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't
live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like the burglars do,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa |
