BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT
VERDICT:Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked
the "one nation,under God" clause of the Pledge of
Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court decision that
handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm
not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said
this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get
away with this..." "I've watched analysts
argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida
'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know
exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won
Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's
unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a
289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's
Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean." God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot." "Look, only 612 people
in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest
meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name
them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James;
Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today.
In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock,
stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into
hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy. |
