TV Commentator Industry Downgraded
TVBizWire Jan. 6, 2001.
Analysts today downgraded the Television Commentator Industry (CLPTRP.BSX) across-the-board from "Strong Buy" to "Dump It."
With the Clinton Administration coming to an end, most fear that right-wing television commentators like ABC's Cokie Roberts, CNN's Chris Matthews, and the entire Fox TV News Network are facing leaner times. Soon they'll have no one to bash day after day to keep ratings up - and those lucrative outside speech fees rolling in.
For eight years, TV political commentators successfully stoked the paranoid delusion that Bill Clinton was personally responsible for anything you didn't like from A to Z and abortions to the dwindling zebra population. But as Clinton departs the political scene, these same media maggots are asking themselves, "Now who do we blame?"
"You can't attract Republican viewers or sell lots of ads by telling them everything is hunky dory," one analyst explained. "To keep ratings up and products moving, you need to scare them, tell them things are terrible, explain how the Democratic Devil is in charge and out to get all the dumb people. But Bush looks like a scared little dumb person himself. So, who's going to believe he's in charge?"
Analysts say uncertainty in the Claptrap Industry means tough times ahead for the "Cokie-Chris-Crap" sector. Many advise selling short.
"We expect a real shake-out," industry watcher Jewel Inrough says. "The strongest probably will survive, but I would avoid weak players like George Stephanoupolous. The Benedict Arnold market for traitorous tell-all exposes is drying up."
Even optimists agree the industry is about to go through a shake-out. For example, Iben Lying is a spokeman for Chris Matthews. He expects short-term volatility but is looking for a strong rebound in one or two quarters.
"There's always Hillary, thank god. In a few months we can start to gang rape her every evening. And I'm not so sure but what we can't keep ratings up by bashing Richard Gebhart and Tom Daschle, too. After all, Gebhart is from a state whose name sounds like Misery. And Daschle looks a little like an alien from Mars, don't you think?"
Cokie Roberts, who made a fortune fooling feminists into thinking she's one of them, also is sanguine about the industry's prospects.
"I got rich cashing in my carefully crafted public radio reputation at ABC by bashing the Clintons," she says. "I plan to continue dancing with the guy who brought me. Bill Clinton ought to make a good target for another three or four years. At least, I hope so."
She adds, "Hey! Want to pay me 50 big ones for a speech about the Whitewater scandal?"
Most analysts, however, think the long term future looks bleak.
"Claptrap commentators may be able to coast for a few months by continuing to stomp Clinton," an analyst who follows Roberts and Sam Donaldson says. "After all, a number of their fans don't realize Bush is becoming the new president. Sooner or later, though, Cokie and Sam are going to need a new whipping boy because word will leak out to the funny farms, Southern Baptist churches, and nursing homes, where most of their fans congregate."
So, what's a Claptrap Industry investor to do?
"Pay attention to fundamentals," suggests analyst C. Howe Sari. "Determine which commentators are bright, knowledgeable, honest, fair, and free of personal conflicts of interest -- and which ones aren't. Then short the hell out of the first group and buy the second. You can't go wrong betting on the bad taste of American television." |
