Cat got your tongue?
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but
one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the
shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded.
What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only
take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I
remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects
she spied between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the
bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like
claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight
up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me
out
cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct
their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I
kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat
got your tongue?" If they had only known. |
