TWENTY RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN:
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to
the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices
are all Bill Clinton's fault.
2. You have to despise government programs, but expect Social Security checks
on time.
3. You have to believe that government should stay out of peoples' lives, yet
you want government to regulate same-sex marriages, ending or not ending
pregnancies, and what official language should be spoken by you.
4. You have to believe that pollution is okay, so long as it makes a
profit. It is even better if it's in another state.
5. You have to sponsor prayer in public schools, as long as you don't pray to
Allah or Buddha.
6. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
7. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about
her own body, but that large multinational corporations should have no
regulations or interference.
8. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and you're certain that Jesus shares
your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, labor unions, and Hillary Clinton.
9. You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black in
America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for
Allan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50
million to attack Clinton because no other US Presidents have ever been
unfaithful to their wives.
11. You have to declare that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad
because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all
Americans, even children and felons.
12. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools because, of
course, if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
13. You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because it defends the
Constitution, while the NRA is good because it defends the Constitution.
14. You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve
federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public
doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will
go away.
15. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of
6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible,
which is full of sex and violence, is good reading at any age.
16. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more
Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
17. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts
for 5,000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid
for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all,
the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
18. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old
growth US forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the
extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
19. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich,
Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that that
bastard Bill Clinton should never be forgiven.
20. You have to believe that George W. Bush REALLY won this election. |
