"Carnegie Mellon On-Campus Sex Challenge leads to Fetish Ball"
THE TARTAN Activities Board, Feb 14, 2001
Rob Zanport is beaming with satisfaction. The first-year Math/ Electrical Engineering/ Computer Science double major has just successfully completed the intensive Sex Challenge program offered by Health Services. After months of grueling training, including everything from simple loin muscle exercises to full-fledged group orgies, Rob is now certified as "fit for sexual consumption" by the local county Health Department.
"It is not an easy path from shy, reserved virgin to roaring sex machine," according to Anita Barkin, the head of the Sex Challenge program. "Many or our participants dropped out after only the second week, citing rashes, cramps, or headaches. Everyone struggled to meet the minimum requirements of six hours of sex per week." Two of our best students breezed through such requirements by Wednesday each week. Those that completed it truly deserve recognition.
Said instructor Gil Hans: "My favorite training exercise was the Strength Build. Those wimps had to push a heavy couch across the gymnasium floor using only their hips. All that groaning and straining... It really developed their thrusting technique, and built their endurance. For some it took almost an hour to finish, they they just would not give up. Desperate little bastards."
For participants like Gwen (who asked that her last name not be used), the most valuable experience was the practical home training. "I mean, normally you cannot go up to a friend and be like, 'Hey, you want to practice some sex?' But as part of the Sex Challenge, I finally had the chance to take things slowly, and figure out how to do everything right. Yeah, it could get a little sore and bruised when the guy you were partnered with was practicing insertion techniques over and over again. But then he would be patient while I was working on my fake orgasm. He was really sweet."
Health authorities point to this sort of program as a revolution in sex education, and many peer schools are looking to imitate Carnegie Mellon's successful model. "We've been completely missing the ball on this sex-ed thing," said Art Krammer, a spokesperson for the Initiative to Resurrect Sex, who added "We should be teaching kids how to have sex, a skill vitally missing in many areas of our country, especially the parochial schools. All this talking about leaky condoms and yeast infections -- who cares? I just want to see sweaty young people having fun... I mean... er... happy young people."
Rob and Gwen, when asked what their plans were, now that they were Sex Challenge graduates, shouted in unison: "We're going to Cancun!" They were subsequently chained to a pillar by organizers of Sex Week in preparation for the Fetish Ball. Neither seemed to object.
Pictured is senior Tara Warsaw, as she uses her Carnegie Mellon ID at the equipment desk to check out a towel after a six-hour sex-training session. She seems satisfied with her workout, as do the three male students smiling.
"SEXUALLY TOUGH, PHYSICALLY F**KED" is the official motto of Sex Challenge |
