Hillary: The Op-Ed
Let no one ever call New York's junior senator a know-it-all.
BY HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON
(AS TOLD TO CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY)
Tuesday, February 27, 2001 12:01 a.m. EST
opinionjournal.com
"I had hoped by now to be serving full-time the many citizens of New
York State who elected me to be their senator. However, because of
certain actions undertaken by people whose name I appear to share, it
is necessary to interrupt my important work on behalf of children,
women, the elderly, minorities, the constituents of the Rev. Al
Sharpton, the homeless, and certain communities in Rockland County,
N.Y., to point out that none of these shocking, saddening,
heartbreaking, deplorable, unspeakable, wretched, repugnant and
personally disappointing things had anything remotely to do with me.
First I want to make clear that though I am legally married to former
President William Jefferson Clinton, I am in no way responsible for his
actions in pardoning 140 drug dealers, tax fugitives, money launderers,
fraudsters and diet scammers, and commuting the sentences of 36
others. I was shocked when I first learned of these, after the
inauguration on Jan. 20.
The first weeks of January were a busy time for me. There was much
packing up to do, including all the wonderful gifts the American people
had given to me as a way of saying, Thank you, Hillary, for your
tireless, selfless efforts to improve America. I was of course honored to
have had the chance to make this country better than it has ever
been. If people wanted to express their gratitude by giving us furniture
and dinner ware, it would have been ungracious to tell them, "We can't
accept these, even though we deserve them, for it would only
encourage those who have spent the last eight years trying to destroy
me personally. So stuff your gifts."
As I was trying to decide whether to send the impressive 16th-century
Bernini fountain so thoughtfully donated by the Friends of Fugitive Tax
Cheats Currently Living Abroad to our new modest home in Chappaqua,
N.Y., or to my new modest home in Washington, a sudden vote came
up in the Senate. Vindictive Republicans were trying to force dairy
farmers in Dutchess County, N.Y., to paint inflammatory pro-life
slogans on the side of their dairy cows. This would have seriously
compromised the ability of women in New York to get milk without
being brainwashed by far-right ideologues.
Distractions such as these made it difficult, if not downright impossible,
to properly catalogue the contents of all the shipping crates. I was
therefore stunned when on Jan. 21 the crates were opened in
Chappaqua and the Gilbert Stuart portrait of George Washington was
among the contents, along with the Lincoln Bed and all the White
House doorknobs.
Naturally, I immediately directed that these items be returned, and
expressed my deep moral indignation to my husband, at whose head I
flung a heavy crystal Steuben cigar ashtray thoughtfully donated to
the Clinton Library by Friends of John Gotti. In the emergency room at
the Mount Kisco Hospital, a fine facility, the former president accepted
full responsibility, and is currently writing another op-ed piece for the
New York Times in which he states that I had nothing to do with
anything.
With respect to the pardons, aside from the fact that I had nothing to
do with them, I would only point out that the former president slept a
total of three hours between Dec. 26 and Jan. 20. (This, not rudeness,
was the reason that he lapsed into a coma during George W. Bush's
inauguration speech.) It is possible that he was not 100% lucid when
he pardoned Marc Rich, Timothy McVeigh, Charles Manson, Robert
Vesco, Osama bin Laden, Carlos the Jackal, Joey Buttafuoco and John
Dillinger. But you would have to ask him. I never discussed pardons, or
for that matter anything, with him during the eight years in the White
House.
Finally let me say that I was as surprised as anyone when I was
informed that I have a brother named Hugh Rodham. He does not bear
much resemblance to me. While I did grow up in a household with
numerous other people, I was never informed that I had brothers. It
was never discussed. If it was, I was not present. Clearly, exhaustive
DNA testing is required before a conclusive biological link can be
established between me and this alarming individual.
In the meantime, I plan to return to serving the people of New York
State, especially since Republicans are even now devising a plan to
store nuclear waste in day-care centers in Onandoga County."
Mr. Buckley is editor of Forbes FYI. His latest book is "Little Green
Men" (HarperCollins, 2000). |
