friday's funnies early edition...
A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly said to the woman at the counter, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now befuddled again, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the sunday school teacher said, "Bobby,
when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
"The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom"
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and finally...
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm
here after.
NINETEEN- I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE
OR NOT.
go out and have some fun this weekend...i'm outta here...
pops |
