| Is your special ed child a child for life? My mind is reeling at that thought, mother for life. Mother is something I do, not what I am, but if it were permanent. O my. Teacher for life, okay. maybe, and I'm glad you found your niche. I don't unwish my kids, I just wonder what the hell I was thinking, and doubt my very capacity to continue. I feel I just can't do it anymore, and then somehow I always do. I hate when some new thing comes up, husband is between jobs, or boy has problems, or granny has a stroke, my husband says, "Oh we'll manage." Well yes we will. One way or another things always work out, but only as well as they do because supermom kicks in to kick ass/do what needs doing, and he can say he told me it would be fine. <g> Sometimes I just go on strike, I disappear for a few hours, and call him at the office and say, "she's yours, you pick her up at the day care." Somtimes I go to Asia for a month, and it's only when husband says, "Take the time that you need," that I am able to resolve coming back. When we first dating, and my daughter was five, I remember telling my husband, who thought maybe he wanted bio-kids what powerful medicine it really is. To have a special ed child, or have one die, or convulse in front of you in a puddle of blood. It's like getting onto a 20 year roller coaster and there is no good way out. I really never felt this way until my son's accident though, and his horrible teen years. They each breastfed for an eternity, and I stayed home, made baby food, baked bread.... Number two walked at 2 1/2 years. She was DXed mild Cerbral Palsy, then they changed it to developmentally delayed, and now she's maybe a little clumsy, so I had the scare, but never the reality. I don't know what I'd do X. I guess "somehow we'd get by" but I'm so tired, so very tired of being strong. Maybe it would be different if I'd ever been on the receiving end of much loved baby, instead of always trying to be the mother I never had. |
