ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when
the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98%
completely hammered.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and
liberally use
aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and
powders afterwards, because
by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and
other poisons, and
without proper preparations, you will smell like a
three-day rotten egg
wrapped in a fraternity carpet.
The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.
Collect the following
supplies and put them in a place where you will
easily be able to find
it in an impaired condition. We recommend the
bathroom floor, between
the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's
where you'll probably
end up:
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson
Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally
throughout the day. There is
a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee;
unless you ingest a
large volume of artificial stimulants throughout
the course of St.
Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by
8:45 a.m. We cannot
stress enough that you should not drink and drive.
There is no reason
to chance losing your license or killing someone
in a drunken state
when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to
take that risk on your
behalf.
Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure
this is an Irish bar
if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the
best alternative,
since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney.
However, almost every city
in America has bars called The Blarney Stone,
McSomethings, or The
Dirty Mick.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any
circumstances. The bar
is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish
people do not wait in
line for drinks, no matter what the consequences.
While we do recommend
the use of an adult undergarment to mask
unpleasant smells, it really
doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping
wet with spilled beer
anyway, and your mild urine smell will be
completely overpowered by the
toxic stench of vomit.
We recommend starting out with a few more Irish
Coffees to spike the
stimulant level, however, you should not order an
"Irish Coffee," as
you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped
with whipped cream
and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call
you a yuppie poseur
while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask
for coffee with whiskey
and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream
can, as nothing will
add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's
important to eat
something, because like Sheriff Bart said in
Blazing Saddles:" Man
drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to
die."
If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that
hideous, bloated
feeling that could slow down your drinking, there
are only two options:
popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates
you'll need to give
you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your
stomach, and both have
names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring
your words too early,
you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the
English language on St.
Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut
off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to
beer. You have only
> > one option here: Guinness stout. You may be
> tempted to order green
> > beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green
> because of food
> > coloring.
> >
> >
> > Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
> > By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people
> take long lunches and
> > bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're
> doing your job
> > correctly, the bar should look twice or three
> times as crowded as it
> > really is.
> >
> > By now, you may be in conversation with some real
> Irish people, since
> > the person you came with has likely been taken
> away by ambulance. Some
> > conversational points to remember when talking to
> the Irish are:
> > Football really means Soccer, and you should be
> more passionate about
> > it than you are about your wife or husband, AND
> The English are all
> > piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be
> lined up and kicked into
> > the Liffey.
> >
> > If you remember those two points, as well at least
> three derogatory
> > names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the
> Irish for hours. You
> > should continue to drink Guinness throughout this
> leg, although you may
> > want to have another Irish Coffee if your
> heartbeat has become
> > irregular.
> >
> > The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
> >
> Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to
> leave the bar at
> > closing time. This will be impossible, since a
> blood alcohol content of
> > .50 usually equals death, and you should be
> pushing a .35 or .40 by now.
> > The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar
> before closing time with
> > honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a
> punch. It doesn't
> > matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense
> since 3 o'clock,
> > anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your
> fine motor control
> > has been gone since the late morning, but it
> doesn't matter since you
> > can't feel anything.
> > Depending on your community, the police should
> arrive within fifteen
> > minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you
> in irons. The final
> > impression you leave is the most important: as you
> are being dragged
> > from the bar, begin screaming that you want to
> take your drink with
> > you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend
> who took you to the
> > bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and
> will be able to bail
> > you out.
> >
> > By following these simple guidelines, your St.
> Patrick's Day experience
> > would be one you would never forget if it weren't
> physically and
> > biologically impossible for you to remember any of
> it. Tune in next
> > month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and
> Cons of Waking Up
> > Naked In a Dumpster.
> >
freak!! |
