What's this, Maria is dating Joe Kernan? God bless'em, I hope it's true. If it's not true, it should be, just imagine the comic possibilities...
...(cue the kitschy music from Herb Albert and the Tijuana brass)...Welcome to the CNBC Dating Game, I'm Grant Froese. Today, three bachelors will try to win the heart of our lovely CNBC miss. Our three bachelors are #1) CNBC technical analyst, John Murphy, #2) CNBC stocks editor, Joe Kernan and #3) regular commentator and Investment Biker, Jimmy Rogers. Our bachelorette is a lovely 29 year old brunette who graduated from NYU. She is a little bit Elaine Garzarelli mixed with Audrey Hepburn. Her hobbies are fashion, market timing, and wrestling with traders on the NYSE stock floor, welcome Maria Bartiromo.
Grant: Bachelor #1, say hello to Maria.
Murphy: Hello, Maria, I can't wait to plot your 200 day moving averages, carress your resistance curves and break right through them.
Grant: Bachelor #2
Kernan: Huh, what's up, I was too busy admiring the reflection of my perfectly coiffed hair in the camera, you know some days the moose catches my hair wrong and I have to tease it out.
Grant: Bachelor #3
Rogers: When was the last time you went to the market and bought milk, Maria, I tell inflation is coming back and we all need to buy Mongolian currency futures...
Grant: You are free to question our bachelors, Maria.
Maria: Bachelor #1, if I was a volatile growth stock, capable of going up and down, repeatedly, really unpredictably, how would you play me?
Murphy: Well, I'd check out your daily spreads, er.price spreads I mean, then I'd accumulate you on dips and climb on for a climax rally until you topped out, then I'd finish you off with naked puts and then if you were still conscious, I'd put you in a straddle position and ride you either way.
Maria: Oh, my, I think I'd need a shower.
Murphy: You bet you would baby!
Maria: Bachelor, #2 when was the last time you experience "irrational exuberance?"
Kernan: It would have to be at the 16th hole at the Masters when Tiger made that approach shot over the green...
Maria: Well, it doesn't sound like you'll be making any approach shots with me. Bachelor #3, same question.
Rogers: Back in the 1979 when I went to Paraguay and cornered the manganese market. I tell you inflation is coming back and we all need to buy derivatives between Guinean cocoa and pork belly futures from Malaysia before the Bank of Japan floods the world with yen...
Maria: The only inflation I see is with Bachelor #3's ego.Bachelor #2, let's say we snuck onto the trading floor at midnight and no one was around, what position squaring would you show me?
Kernan: Well I'd have to bring my buddy, David Faber along.
Maria: But, I don't do threesomes.
Kernan: Well, you'd have to, because you know, Dave and I have this Mutt and Jeff thing and I have a contractual arrangement never go anywhere without him and he always tells me what to do.
Maria: Grant, these losers are putting my libido into a bear market, let's go back to your place
Grant: Gladly...
(Wide angle lens shows Grant and Maria driving off in a Nissan 300ZX, dissolve to a Japanese gentlemen holding a beagle |
