from our strong left. <g>
Yenta
By Christopher Buckley, editor of Forbes FYI. His new
novel, "Trial of the Millennium," will be published next year by
Random House.
Barbra Streisand has sent a three-page memo to top congressional
Democrats, accusing them of being "paralyzed, demoralized and
depressed" since the election, Ms. Streisand's publicist confirms.
"We have a President who stole the
presidency through family ties, arrogance and
intimidation, employing Republican operatives
to exercise the tactics of voter fraud by
disenfranchising thousands of blacks, elderly
Jews and other minorities," the singer-actress
charges. "I hope you're through arguing among
yourselves and distancing yourselves from
President Clinton."
Yesterday Ms. Streisand's publicist also
confirmed she had dispatched a number of
other missives.
Barbra Streisand has sent a scorching 15-page memo to top leaders
at the Pentagon accusing them of being "putzes" for sending
electronic surveillance aircraft near the Chinese coastline.
"Are we at war with China?" writes the star of "For Pete's Sake" and other
films. "I didn't hear anything about that. What do we care what they're up
to, anyway? They're nice people, the Chinese, and their military donated
generously to President Clinton's re-election campaign in 1995 or 1996.
Whatever. The real threat to America is George Bush. Him we should
force to land on an island somewhere."
Barbra Streisand has sent a withering 18-page memo to top leaders
at the State Department blasting them for "not bringing about peace
in the Middle East."
"I've had it with you," writes the star of "Nuts" and other films. "Two and a
half months you've been in charge and has anything changed? Every time I
look at the TV, another suicide bomb. This cannot go on. Maybe if you
spent less time kvetching about Marc Rich, a true Middle East
peacemaker, and more helping Israel, we would not be in this situation.
Am I getting through to you?" Ms. Streisand concludes the memo saying,
"P.S. This is nothing personal against Colin Powell, whom I personally
think is wonderful. Such eyes. That skin, I would die for. In fact, have him
call me about this. Him I can talk to."
Barbra Streisand has sent a blistering 22-page memo to British
Conservative leader William Hague accusing him of "infecting
thousands or however many cows with bovine spongiform
encephalopathy in order to make my friend Tony Blair -- I could
squeeze him -- look like a schmuck." The star of "What's Up
Pussycat?" and other films writes she was "sick and tired" of seeing
piles of dead cows being burned, and charged that the recent
epidemic of BSE was "Tory revenge for Tony's courageous ban on
fox hunting."
Barbra Streisand has sent a withering 28-page memo to NASA
accusing the space agency of "dragging feet." "Why haven't we
landed on Mars yet?" writes the star of "Yentl" and other films. "Is
this 2001, or 1901? Is there a problem?" Ms. Streisand says that if
"Bill Clinton -- such strength, such charisma, don't get me started --
were still in charge, we'd be on Pluto by now."
Barbra Streisand has sent a fulminating 35-page memo to the
National Institutes of Health demanding to know "why you haven't
cured AIDS yet." The star of "The Way We Were" writes that she
has "had it up to here" -- she does not indicate which body part --
"with excuses, excuses, excuses" and says that if the disease is not
eradicated by June "at the latest," that "you'll be hearing from my
close personal friend David Geffen."
Barbra Streisand has sent an incendiary 42-page memo to the head
of Nasdaq accusing him of "losing more of my money in this
Republican stock market than my last five movies combined."
"When Bill Clinton was president -- and whose bright idea was it
that you only have two terms as president? Republicans! -- every
day I made money. Some days, God made less than me. Now look.
Cisco, down. Amazon, I can't look. CMGI, the Titanic. Thank God
for Philip Morris is all I can say, and I don't even smoke. With a
voice like mine, you'd be crazy to."
Barbra Streisand has sent a livid 55-page memo to the Commerce
Department complaining that the upholstery in her "brand new"
Mercedes "smells funny." "I paid good money for this car," she
writes. "Don't you inspect them after they arrive here from
Germany? When Bill Clinton was president they didn't let in cars
that smelled." She concludes the memo saying, "And why are we
trading with Germany anyway? Haven't you seen 'Saving Private
Ryan'? Are you anti-Semitic?" |
