Empathy and kindness must be taught with empathy and kindness.
Yes and no.
I think these girls need empathy and kindness, but they also need a parent to get absolutely furious with them. This, upon reflection, is what I would do if my child were involved. I would respond, initially, the same way I would if my child was involved in a group physical assault on another child. The wrath of Papa, in unadulterated form. Complete grounding, all privileges removed, no phone, no computer, confined to quarters, etc. I very rarely show anger; when I do there is a real shock value to it, and that shock value would be exploited to the maximum possible degree. No explanations, no qualifications would be tolerated or accepted.
This stage would not last very long, but it would be necessary, I think, to convince the child that this was not simply an exaggerated form of play, that this behaviour is utterly disgraceful and utterly unacceptable.
After that stage I would apologize, quite sincerely, for losing my temper, but explain that there are things that cannot and must not be tolerated among civilized people, and that this is one of them. At which point the process of building understanding, with a full degree of empathy and kindness, could begin.
The problem with approaching the situation with empathy and kindness is that 30 seconds into the interview, the girls will have the impression that they are going to skate through this with no repercussions, and that all they have to do is play the process game and say the right things, and they will pay no price at all for their behaviour. Kids learn very quickly about situations where people are trying to manage them using therapy techniques, and they learn very quickly how to manage the managers through mimicry and role-playing.
Certainly discipline is more effective when done with love, but I see no incompatibility between love and a certain amount of well-staged righteous wrath.
As it is, there will be little I can do about it, since none of my children are directly involved. I am fairly close to the teacher, the guidance counsellor, and several of the parents involved; certainly there will be consultations, and I will see what can be done. I would hate to see it all dealt with privately and swept under the rug; the kids in the other grades, the lower ones in particular, need to see what is going on and see that it is not being tolerated.
It will be interesting to see what happens. |
