elpolvo,
Issued by the Nebraska Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Oasis. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Beaver Crossing, Wahoo, etc) or we will just have to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Stonehenge made of old cars. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't point at the genitalia on the Black Angus in front of some of our restaurants or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak medium rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9) Do not refer to our Capitol Building as a phallic symbol (Prarie Penis). Our Capitol was built before Mr. Know-It-All even coined the term "phallic symbol". And it was paid for the day it was completed. So if you call our Capitol a phallic symbol you are setting yourself up for a double ass kicking.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Minneapolis, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Nebraska is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Milwaukee.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14) Don't even think of calling our football team the Corn Suckers. If you do, your ass will be kicked.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.
:0)
Ramblin n enjoying our little rally today..... |
