chili
just for fun:
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in
sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, about the
same as usual, and besides, they told me, I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my
way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located
a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili.
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ---------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) |
