Are you married?
Yes. And let me say this about that. The sanctity of marriage is one of the things that our great country was founded on. I believe in our country, and I know you do too.
Are you heterosexual?
Oh, absolutely! Not that there is anything wrong with fooling around with people or dogs or cats or birds or inantimate objects or anything. If you want to get married to a toaster oven and get worker's comp for the toaster oven if it gets sick, then I say you have that right! This is a free country and you should be able to do whatever you want with whatever electrical appliance you choose. Except reptiles. Reptiles gross me out totally, dude. Here, suck on this cigar. No, no problem, it's a new one.
Did you have premarital sex?
No. I want you to look at me closely. I have never had premarital sex with that woman. Never. I have never ever ever ever had sex with anyone, ever, at any time, ever.
Did you have premartial sex with anyone but your wife?
You misspelled "premarital" you goof. But, no. Absolutely not. And as your former most excellent bitchin' president, I might add that I personally feel the tone of these questions indicates a profound lack of sympathy for the downtrodden victims of our society. These are people that cannot think or speak for themselves. They have been oppressed for so long that they cannot function without your monetary assistance. That is why I have proposed this legislation today. Wait. Wait. Never mind about that last part. Hey, do you like Chinese food? Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Did you have premarital sex with your wife?
I've already not answered that question. That is simply the same question worded in a different way. This witch hunt will never pass muster if I have anything to say about it.
How old were you when you first had sex?
Can you define the words "old" and "sex"?
Was your wife your first sex partner?
That depends on what you mean by "partner". If I watch a Jenna Jameson video by myself in the comfort of my own office and I am alone, with just a Big Mac and a Large Fries, you know, "supersized" and a "Vote for George" t-shirt, is she my "partner"? You see the semantic jungle you have waded into here? You're in way over your head, here, no pun intended. I'm not responsible for a question that is obviously designed to harass me. Besides, I cannot answer that question. Ask her. I would say probably I was, based on the evidence that I have in front of me, but that would simply be a personal opinion on my part. Care for some pizza? It's left over from last night, but only the crust is bad. The middle part is still pretty good.
Were you your wife's first sex partner?
What is the purpose of this line of questioning? I've already told you that I can't answer questions about my wife. This is just more harassment by the right wing. You won't get me to play that game.
Where do you work?
In my office, you moron. What does that have to do with anything? Did you run these questions by your lead counsel? What kind of a stupid question is that? Are you nuts? Where did you graduate? Oh, you did? Me too! Hey, remember that chick "Nancy Gazongas"? I nailed her, man! Yes, yes I did. Oh, man, she was a screamer. What? You did? No way? Well, I'll bet you I nailed her before you did. What year did you graduate?
How old are you?
Not quite as old as I look! Heh heh. That was a joke. Pretty good, eh? Not quite as old as I look.
When did you lose your virginity?
Define the word "virginity".
With whom?
With whom what? What kind of a question is that? These questions are judgmental and inappropriate considering my office. Speaking of my office, did you hear about the little surprise we left for Shrub? Man, that cracked me up. What a loser. Little Goody Two Shoes. But that wife of his, she's kinda cute, eh? Eh? Nice smile, eh? And that daughter, what's her name?
Where do you live?
I live in my house. What does that have to do with anything?
Do you like oral sex?
There is no such thing as "oral sex"! I've been over this already. There is only "passive relief of World Leader Stress Syndrome". There is no such thing as "oral sex". Ask any 3rd grader, they know all about it, thanks to me!
Does your wife or girl friend like oral sex?
I know what you are trying to do here, you are trying to get me to admit that I got a hummer in my office from that little rump roast intern. Well, you can't outsmart me. Look into my eyes! I'm a lawyer too, you know. You think I got where I am by being stupid? Of course not! You think I am going to go to jail? You're in a dream world! You would do the same thing if you were me. I know you would. Anyone would. Except maybe Shrub, the little woosie. You don't even know I have girlfriends! You're just guessing! Nobody saw us. I mean me. Nobody saw me, and you can't prove anything.
Here, have a cookie. Please! No, really! Fresh Girl Scout cookies! I have a lifetime supply! Guess where I got them! AHA HAH AHAHH AHAHAHHAH AHAH HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
