friday's funnies...
Sadie had lost her husband almost four years ago and had still not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly called her, urging her to get back out into the world. Finally, Sadie told her that she would go out, but she didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Sadie and the man her daughter introduced her to hit it off immediately. They took to one another, and after dating for six weeks, he asked her
to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood, nude except for a pair of black panties, and he was in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asked, "Why
the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night, so they both just go to sleep. The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on and he is in his birthday suit, but with an erection, and on his johnson he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies,"I want to offer my condolences."
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A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his wife. But Morty was stubborn.
"I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also." The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample." "Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references.
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A family was having some people to dinner. At the table,
the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing? "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said. Her daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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-If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
-If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
-If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
-G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
-If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
-If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
-If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
-If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
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John and Ed walked into a bar.
Ed: "What do you want to drink, Jackass?"
John: "A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness A..a pint of Guinness, please."
Ed goes up to the bar. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate Jackass." Ed takes the drinks back. "Here you go, Jackass." Later when they had finished their drinks, Ed says to John, "It's your round, Jackass. Go get us a pint o' Guinness."John goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness, please."
When the barman was sure Ed wasn't listening he said, "I think it's awful him calling you Jackass all the time."
John says, "Oh, he..aw he..aw he..aw he always calls me that."
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Macaulay Culkin says Michael Jackson is one of his "very
best friends in the world" and the two formed a bond over
what it was like to grow up in the spotlight. "We had very similar experiences in childhood," Culkin told New York magazine. "We're both going to be 8 years old forever in some place because we never had a chance to be 8 when we actually were..."
... Macaulay feels 8 years old in his heart, Michael feels eight year olds in his bedroom...
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and finally...
A Women's Dictionary:
~ Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
~ Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
~ Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
~ Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
~ Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
~ Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
~ Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
~ Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
~ Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
~ Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
~ Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
~ Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
~ Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breath...push..."
~ Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
~ Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
~ After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
~ Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
~ Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
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happy mother's day to all you moms out there...
good fortune...
pops |
