Ernie... The Fastest GoldBug in the West
You could hear the hoofbeats pound as they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
As he galloped into Market Street, his gold stacked in a chest
His name was Ernie and he owned the smartest gold shop in the West.
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Lily Lane at number twenty-two
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie took his gold coins there three times every week
They called him Ernie ("Ernie!") and he owned the smartest gold shop in the West.
She said she'd like to bathe in Maples, he said, "All right, sweetheart."
And when he finished work one night he loaded up the cart
He asked if she wanted "four nines pure", 'cos "four nines pure" is best
She said, "Ernie I'll be happy if they come up to me chest."
That tickled old Ernie ("Ernie!") and he owned the smartest gold shop in the West.
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the banker's van
He tempted her with his forward sales and his tasty short positions
And when she seen the size of his derivatives she lost all her inhibitions
She came over funny at his paper money and he said, "Now if you treat me right
You'll have a hot Rolls in the driveway, and caviar every night".
He knew once she sampled his revolving credit he'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was an ounce of gold a day
Poor Ernie ("Ernie!") and he owned the smartest gold shop in the West.
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four!
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart and he didn't half kick his horse
Whose name was Trigger ("Trigger!") and he pulled the fastest goldcart in the West.
Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold-leaf in his hand
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you fight for her like a man!"
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a monkey on the side."
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face, and Ted went short a ton
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a Washington Agreement sent its price up another band.
Now Sue she ran between them, and tried to keep them apart
But Ernie pushed her aside and a Dutch Auction caught him underneath his chart
And as he looked up in pained surprise, the overwhelming thrust
Of a coupon pass caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.
Poor Ernie ("Ernie!") and he owned the smartest gold shop in the West.
Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die
And now he's gone to take delivery in that gold shop in the sky
Where the customers are angels and plunging POGs are banned
And a goldbug's life is full of fun in that gold and silver land
But a woman's needs are many-fold, and Sue she married Ted.
And strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling, or the hinges of the door?
Or Ernie's ghostly sovereigns a-rattling in their drawer?
They won't forget Ernie ("Ernie!"), as he owned the smartest gold shop in the West!
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