Dot-commers to receive unemployment benefits in form of
stock options
WASHINGTON, DC--Offering unemployment aid with "a huge
potential upside" to the approximately 100,000 Americans who
lost their jobs in the New Economy collapse, the
government's new eBenefits stock-option plan is proving
wildly popular among dot-commers.
Above: Laid-off dot-commers wait in line for their
eBenefits at a San Mateo, CA, unemployment office.
"Instead of settling for a little cash to help them
through rough times, victims of the Internet crash have the
option of receiving valuable stock in a number of
fast-growing U.S. companies," Secretary of Labor Elaine L.
Chao said Monday. "In place of a traditional unemployment
check for a few hundred dollars a week, laid-off dot-commers
can receive stock options valued at five, ten, even twenty
thousand dollars."
In lieu of traditional unemployment benefits,
out-of-work dot-commers have the option of receiving stock
in their former company, if still existent, or a mutual fund
drawing from a diverse pool of Internet companies. Among the
companies offered are getupandgo.com, "the world's largest
online razor-scooter-accessory retailer," and
naturalpet.com, "an oasis of information and communication
for informed and enlightened pet owners."
Chao said 80 percent of unemployed tech-industry
workers are choosing the stock option, jumping at the chance
to "double, triple, or even quadruple the value of their
unemployment checks."
"This is an extremely exciting, innovative form of
unemployment," said Justin Reed, 27, one of 1,000 workers
recently laid off at eToys. "It's going to totally
revolutionize the way people think about government checks."
Susan Reyes, director of development for the
now-defunct online sporting-goods retailer eZoomaboom!,
agreed.
"This is a radical re-imagining of unemployment and,
frankly, I'd be a fool not to get in on the ground floor of
it," said Reyes, leaning on the mailbox outside her San
Jose, CA, home while waiting for her monthly unemployment
portfolio to arrive. "The future of unemployment benefits is
bright--really bright."
While eBenefits recipients are not permitted to cash
in or trade their stock for at least a year, Reyes spends
much of her ample free time calculating her projected
earnings at local coffee shops.
"Before I signed up for eBenefits, I was living
check-to-check, stretching out my pitiful unemployment funds
while looking for a new job," Reyes said. "Now, my situation
has completely changed. I've got nearly unlimited future
earning potential."
Above: Marcus Todd, founder of now-defunct clothing retailer
Thingamajig.com, checks his eBenefits on his Palm.
The unemployment package has proven so popular that a
cottage industry of eBenefits-related web sites has sprung
up in its wake.
"Governmentcheck.com is the first company to offer a
full range of online services in tracking, trading, and
projecting the growth potential of state unemployment
checks," recently re-employed webmaster Sunil Parekh said at
the site's launch party, held Saturday night at the Masonic
Auditorium in San Francisco. "This is going to be big."
While a few laid-off dot-commers have sworn off the
Internet sector altogether, most say their experience has
not deterred them from trying again.
"Excuse me, but haven't you ever heard of the concept
'buy low, sell high'?" laid-off Dr.Koop.com employee Shawn
Bennett asked. "Well, the market is at its lowest point in
years."
Bennett went on to note that today's tech companies
are "leaner" than ever.
"Companies like perfumewarehouse.com and
crosswords.com have literally cut their budgets and payrolls
by 90 percent in the last year," Bennett said. "They're
primed for profit after reining in overspending and
eliminating tons of dead weight by firing people like
myself."
According to Chao, eBenefits was "a natural" under
current economic conditions.
"While tech companies had no cash to pay into the
unemployment system, they did have ample stock," Chao said.
"That put the government in a unique position to offer this
stock to the workers themselves. Bingo. A New Economy way of
looking at the old problem of massive layoffs."
Fans of eBenefits also point out that owning thousands
of dollars in stock has given laid-off tech workers the
collateral needed to procure additional loans to cover their
day-to-day expenses.
"At DotComCasualties.com, we specialize in providing
pre-approved, no-questions-asked loans to recently
unemployed programmers, network administrators, and
outsourced content providers," company president and CEO
Rodney Woods said. "Best of all, you can apply online." |
