THE POTTY PUTTER
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By Skarlet Fever
The "Potty Putter" is further evidence that the human race has outlived whatever purpose we may have had in the first place. I think our purpose was to mess up the planet and we've done a fine job of that. Now that I've seen the "Potty Potter" I think we need to just go ahead and blow ourselves up like in Planet of the Apes and be done with it.
When we saw this ad the other night we were stunned and horrified. It was like the Boogie Bass had gone back to hell to visit family and returned with a new infernal playmate. The "Potty Putter" is a little miniature putting green that fits around the front of your toilet. Yes, you read that right. Your toilet. My bathroom isn't big enough to accommodate the "Potty Putter" but that's okay because the chirpy voiceover guy told me I can get one for work, too.
The commercial in question features smiling white people practicing putting while they sit there with their pants around their ankles. Ed nearly choked to death on a pork dumpling when the ad started. I picked up the phone and called Nisa and left her a voicemail message that I'm sure puts me one step closer to involuntary institutionalization.
First of all, how is practicing putting while sitting on the toilet going to improve your game? People who play golf will buy the stupidest stuff imaginable.
Second of all, golf is not a sport. I'm sorry, but it's not. Don't get me wrong. I like spending time outside wandering aimlessly. I understand that some people need the pretense of golf or fishing in order to feel better about just screwing around doing absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever. But that's the point of goofing off. You accomplish nothing. That's one of the reasons it's fun. Goofing off, I mean, not golf.
Not only does the "Potty Putter" promise to improve your game, it promises to improve your health. According to the commercial, people don't spend nearly enough time just sitting on the toilet. How do they know this? Why do they know this? Did I want to know this? I can only answer the last question and the answer is, unequivocally, no.
The "Potty Putter" is an omen. It's a direct commentary on how pathetic our society has become. But it has a darker message too. There is nowhere, absolutely nowhere, that is immune from the multi-tasking nightmare that is modern society.
Why can't we just goof off anymore? Why can't we just be left alone? Why do we have to be reachable via email, phone, and pager 24 hours a day. When did our time cease to be our own? When did it become a mortal sin, a grave personal insult, to turn off your phone and just read a book or watch TV without being at the beck and call of others? Why is your time more important than my time?
Techno-communications overload is not enabling us to communicate smarter. The incoherency of most instant message conversations is a testament to that. And so far, of the innumerable one-sided conversations I've had to endure in Target, sidewalk cafes and the grocery store, not one has seemed to have any real or lasting impact on the quality of anyone's life. Actually, that's not true. I think that the woman who counseled her friend about said friend's vaginal secretions may have done something noble and heroic. But does the woman on the other end of the phone know that she was allowing this info to be broadcast to everyone in line at Target? And did those of us in line really need to know this? No. No we did not.
I'm not saying that mobile communications or the internet aren't fun, useful and sometimes lifesaving. What I'm saying is that we need to assert ourselves. We need to set boundaries. And we need to respect other people's boundaries.
And in the minutes, few and far between that they are, when we are being left alone - why do we have to be doing something to "improve" ourselves? Using the bathroom seems like a necessary task. It has a tangible outcome. Isn't that enough?
Is there anything ickier than being in a quiet public restroom and having the person in the next stall suddenly strike up a conversation? First of all, it's unnerving. Second of all, unless the are your best friend, in need of toilet paper, or crazy, they are invariably on a cellular phone. Who could you possibly need to talk to so urgently that you have to call them while you're in the bathroom? And what is the person on the other end of the line hearing? (probably very little actually, if the caller has the same cellular service I do, but that's not the point).
And what's worse than being in the bathroom and having to listen to a phone conversation? Getting a phonecall from someone who's in the bathroom when they call you. Unless you're seeking the antidote to Cobra venom or the place is on fire, you really don't need to be making phonecalls from the bathroom. You are in there for a very specific reason. You are either bathing or expelling waste from your body.
Ed just interrupted me to tell me that "Zyrtec is great. I feel fabulous." This explains why he was campaigning earlier for me to buy him a Potty Putter. "Only 19.95" he has informed be repeatedly. Maybe we should buy one. I worry that writing about a product that no one else I know has seen or heard about may scare them. What if the thing is a flop? No one will know what I'm talking about. I'll sound crazy. They might start avoiding me. Come to think of it, that might not be such a bad thing…
Ms. Skarlet owns a set of golf clubs but they never leave her basement. |
