friday's funnies...
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its
limits. - Albert Einstein
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Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them,
"Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man, "were you true to your wife?" "Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply.""As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Rolls Royce. "The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day." St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac." As the man takes the keys from his St. Peter turns to the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?" "St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my wife very much." "Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife
and that does count for something, so this is what you get."
With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the
man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter. Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably. The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says, "Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibility be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive arround in?" "I know," say the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife on roller skates!"
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Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the besotted husband collapsed in a chair and let out a stentorian belch. "That's it George! I've had it this time. " his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever." "That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."
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A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test that came back positive. Doctor: "The results from your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No sir, I just lay there." Doctor: " I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate."Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
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This Lady needed her bedroom painted. She called a painter to paint it for her. He came and painted it a beautiful color. She was so proud of it. That night her husband came home, and she said, "Look honey, what a beautiful room." The husband, being tired, leaned his hand against the wall and told her how pretty it was, but the paint, still being wet, smeared a little. The lady was rather upset that he had smeared the wall. The next day, the painter comes over to get paid, and the lady
says, "Oh, you must come in and see where my husband put his hand last night." The painter replied, "Sorry, I shouldn't do that, lady, but I
will split a beer with you."
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Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
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~ You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.
~ I know how to push all my wife's buttons ... now if I could only find
the one marked OFF!
~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in
hell until I met you.
~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?
~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me.
~ They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars.
Looks like someone robbed your ugly arse.
~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
~ I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
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Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
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and finally...
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as
masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
have a great weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
