You Are A Democrat If...
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 06-25-2001
Suitability: PG-13
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 3.03
You think "proletariat" is a synonym for “aristocracy.”
You have no kids because you’ve murdered them before they were born.
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if only we would tax something… anything.
You think Religion is just a bunch of words and hand movements that mean nothing, but that you do because it “builds community.”
You've ever referred to someone as "my deprived (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend who, because of centuries of oppression by the evil white man, is unable to do anything for himself and so must be supported by others, preferably rich Republicans, but anyone will do-- except me."
You FEEL deep in your heart that Jesus was a long-haired homosexual with a cross dressing fetish, and you privately emulate that image of him in your personal life.
You think innocent unborn children should be murdered at the public’s expense, but mass murderers should be preserved at the public’s expense.
You think what is good is bad and what is bad is good.
You think Huey Newton is a god.
You don’t really believe in God, (except for Huey Newton, of course) but you constantly lie that you do.
You’ve never met a union you didn’t like.
You vaguely remember thinking you will one day try and grow up.
You once broke loose at a party and in a drunken fever removed all your clothing.
You call mall rent-a-cops "racist pigs."
You call cops in general “racist pigs.”
You've never referred to the “moral fiber” of anything.
You think the question "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches?" is a phrase instead of a question.
You've ever thought, "I can't wait ‘til they lower the standards so that I can get into business school."
You think working any job below $10 an hour is tantamount to slavery.
You answer to "The (Sensitive) Man."
You love "The Simpsons," especially O.J.
You’ve faxed the FBI a list of "Christians in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because, once again, YOU’VE FRIGGIN’ MURDERED THEM!
You’ve never made love. You’ve only had sex, generally by yourself.
You think Chelsea in fact does NOT look like a Cocker Spaniel.
You think masturbation with a candy bar is art worthy of NEA funding.
When people say "Karl Marx," you ask “on what?”
You were the hippie at which Republicans yelled "Hey hippie, get a haircut!"
You think those goofy-looking Birkenstock sandals are “really cool.”
You like cats.
You think thieving, murderous thugs are just misunderstood and in need of “rehabilitation” instead of a fat bullet in the head.
You think socialism has a certain inexplicable attractiveness to it.
You think there is a racist lying within every closet.
You are for freedom and civil liberty for all...Christians excepted of course.
You believe in “Global Warming.”
You think “it takes a village,” and it somehow never crosses your thick skull that it really takes parents—two of them—male and female.
You think openly practicing and unrepentant homosexuals can really be Christians.
You look up and see a glass ceiling, instead of opportunity.
You constantly wonder if we can eliminate the Pentagon.
You marvel in great pain that the vast majority of Americans think Ronald Reagan was a stunningly great president.
You own a vehicle with a "Think globally, Act Locally " bumper sticker, and yet constantly whine about Global Warming and burning fossil fuels.
You think the media is well balanced or even conservative.
You have no traditions worth preserving.
Your "god" doesn’t require you to embrace a moral code of behavior, but just sits in a stupor, benevolently approving every depravity of which you can think to partake.
You’ve told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he chose a lifestyle that is just as good as yours."
Instead of urging someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, you’ve urged them to apply for a government program.
You confuse Lenin with “linen.” |
