MRC's Bozell Lobbies Congress to Turn Back the Clock
"1959 is just fine," Media Critic Insists.
by Barton Wong
ALEXANDRIA, VA- L. Brent Bozell III, head of the Media Research Center, a conservative news-media watchdog group, announced today that he was devoting the entire resources and staff of his center to the passage of the Helms-Barr Act. The House of Representatives is now debating this proposal. The bill, introduced to the floor by Rep. Bob Barr (R-GA.), seeks to reverse the passage of time by repealing the laws of physics and relativity. The bills sponsors believe that doing so will “regain that destroyed utopia of cultural innocence America lost so long ago in the shadows of time.”
Helms-Barr would also ban the works of Albert Einstein from college campuses around the nation, and it would prohibit English physicist, Dr. Steven F. Hawking from ever setting foot on American soil because of the “heresies these atheistic heathens preach to young, malleable, and easily-influenced minds.” Among the heresies mentioned in the bill are the concept of the irrevocable passage of time, the theory of relativity, and the theory of evolution.
Bozell, while delivering the statement during his press conference held in the center, was attired in an anachronistic cut of suit, and he sported a fedora hat, along with all of his other male employees. Women were not in attendance because, as Bozell explained, “Every woman who used to hold a managerial or executive position at this center has now been placed into a position more appropriate to their sex, either in the secretarial or janitorial pool. As everyone knows, the female of the species is a particularly delicate creature, not suited for the manly tasks of hard work or intellectual endeavor, but instead, eminently suited for the tasks of keeping house, cooking meals, and bearing good, strong sons who will continue her husband's line.”
The media watchdog then instructed his employees to put all the color televisions and computers at the center in a large pile and after pouring gasoline on it, torched the assembled electronics as the employees sang the hymn, “Onwards Christian Soldiers.” Bozell later explained that there would be no need for as these appliances because they "would have never existed after the Bill wins presidential approval."
Bozell also stated, “We plan to raid the Library of Congress later and seize all the books that were published after, say, 1960. That should give us a nice, big blaze. As a bonus, it should help warm up Washington’s homeless for days. Christian charity, you know. God, I look forward to torching Gore Vidal, Norman Mailer, and William Burroughs. Well, at least their works —for now.”
When asked what he would enjoy most should the country revert back to 1959, Bozell replied, “Metallic-tasting TV dinners, good, old-fashioned commie witch-hunts, and watching the older episodes of I Love Lucy in their original black-and-white glory. Seeing Ricky spank Lucy to put her back in her place is a sight I, along with the nation in general, would love watching over and over.”
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