friday's funnies...
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor to
get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why?... So he can make a new hole....!
`````````````````````````````````````
"New Rules To Clean Up NYC"
Fake Rolex salesmen must offer fake warranty information.
New rule for cabbies: driving naps should not exceed 12 minutes.
Only 7 Starbucks per block are allowed.
Get the rats out of subway and putting them back in the restaurants where they belong.
Change meaning of middle finger gesture to: "lookin' good, neighbor."
Shine Bat Signal into night sky; when Batman shows up, hand him a broom and a pooper scooper.
All drive-by gunmen must carpool. (Wait, isn't this one for LA?)
If Yankees win the World Series again, they can clean up the ticker tape themselves.
Forming task force to get Clinton to move to New Jersey.
Selling sex on street corners after 2 AM is now prohibited.
Women's Rights Groups have won a court action to rename the famous street "Broadway" to "His and Her Way."
Grant's Tomb only had 22 visitors last year, so the city has licensed it to a Kosher Sushi Bar franchise.
```````````````````````````````````````````
If you asked me why I married a sadist, I'd say, "Beats me."
````````````````````````````````````````````
An old lady was lonely so she decided to run an ad in the local paper:
"RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH,
WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED"
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell
was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all
to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door
to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome
mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of
your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up
and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
`````````````````````````````````````````
Little Johnny was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to
dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks "Mommy what are those?"
She replies "Son those are my breasts." As she turns her back to him he asks "Mommy what is that?" She replies "Son that is my derriere."
When she bends to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and
asks "Mommy what is that?" She replies "That, son, is none of your business!" Later Little Johnny is playing by the kitchen door, and his father comes in from work hungry. His father hollers toward the kitchen to his mom, "Hey honey, what's for dinner?" She replies "None of your business." Little Johnny shakes his head and yells "YUCK, I'm not eating that for supper!"
****************************************
The waitress was tired of this one patron always hitting on her, so
she came up with a plan. "I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.
****************************************
A husband had suspicions that his wife was cheating on him
with the hired help. He decided to find out one day by painting
his wifes clit green. At the end of the day he ordered all his
hired help to make a line and drop their pants one by one. The
first guy dropped his pants to reveal a green dick. He was fired
on the spot. The next one dropped his pants and his dick was also green and he was fired on the spot. The third guy dropped his pants and to the husbands relief looked normal. The guy smiled and walked off then turned around and stuck out his green tongue.
****************************************
** Every teen-ager should get a high school education... even if they already know everything.
** Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago... now costs $10 just to repair.
** A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
** Here's a new invention a solar powered clothes dryer.. it's called a clothes line.
** Any man who laughs at women's clothes... has never paid the bill for them.
** For every judge operating in an official capacity... there are 100 who are self-appointed.
** The argument you just won with your spouse... isn't over yet.
change the routine...do something different this weekend...none of your business...rolling on the floor...
good fortune
pops |
