Which line from Animal House was most "Burkean"?
And the Winner Is…
Well, first of all let's run through the runners up for the most Burkean line from Animal House, discounting the more inappropriate — and therefore deliberately wrong — guesses about Fawn Lebowitz, Marlene Desmond, etc.
• Many readers were convinced that "fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life" was the apotheosis of Burkean thought. This can't be right, because it would rule out the lifestyles of many British Monarchs, whom Burke supported.
• A more promising guess comes from the line during the trial of the Delta House. Eric "Otter" Stratton says: "The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests — we did. [winks at Dean Wormer] But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg — isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!"
This is an excellent suggestion on several points. It shows a deep appreciation of the integral role that institutions play in the social fabric. But it also displays a degree of unquestioning patriotism bordering on jingoism. No, sorry: close but no cigar.
• "Toga! Toga! Toga!"
This was suggested by many, but as we all know, that was the new Latin motto inscribed on the Bill Clinton presidential seal.
• Then there's Otter's second stirring speech: "Bluto's right, psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could fight 'em with conventional weapons, that could take years, and cost millions of lives. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part."
This does reflect a certain Burkean nod to both prudence and moral certainty, but it fails, ultimately, by being too extreme.
• Quite a few people offered, "Have a beer. Don't cost nuthin'." But this contradicts Burke's faith in trade and would make Milton Friedman nuts.
• Then there's my absolute favorite suggestion: "The Negroes stole our dates!"
Considering Burke's moral clarity on racial issues, I must say this fails, but I just think it's hilarious. Hold on to it for my quiz on the line from Animal House most befitting Calhoun.
• Finally, in light of the conversation above, how could the answer be anything but Delta House President Robert Hoover's impassioned and thoroughly Burkean protest of Dean Wormer's tyrannical decision to close his fraternity: "But sir, Delta Tau Chi has a long tradition of existence both to its members and the community at large."
And there you have it. I have now just concluded the dumbest column of my life. Congrats to Matthew from New Haven, the only person to guess correctly. You'll get your NRO T-Shirt soon!
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