friday's funnies...
A man was walking past a graveyard and he heard one of Beethoven's
symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself "That's weird" and kept walking. The next day the same man walked past the same cemetery and heard another one of Beethoven's symphonys playing backwards. He thought to himself, "Now that's REALLY weird!" and kept going. The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetery and
heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this
any more!" He walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!" The caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the
cheeks."I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!warning...
*When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
**Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
*What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
**Is it possible to be totally partial?
***Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
????????????????????????????
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" She screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!" Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable
thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it
slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't
get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car
behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you a ticket for flipping me the bird.
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Actual Instruction Labels:
- ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
- ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
- ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
- ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
- ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
- ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
- ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
- ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
- ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
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There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a gentleman duck, and it's the mating season. The man duck starts prodding her with his beak and she says, "Here, what do you think you're doing? Haven't you any subtlety?" He says, "Oh, don't you want to, then?" She says, "Well, not here, there's people watching. Let's go to a hotel for the afternoon, like everyone else." He says, "Where's a hotel, then?" She says, "There's one there on the other side of the lake. Don't you know anything?" So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, "Go on, ask him for a room." so the man duck says to the receptionist, "Quack! We want a room for the afternoon, please. We're on our honeymoon." The receptionist says, "Certainly sir; room 22, here's your key." So the ducks get in the lift and go up to the second floor and let themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he starts prodding her with his beak again and after a while she says, "Hang on a minute. You got a condom?" "What?" he says. "A condom! this is 2001 and I'm not going to do it without a condom." "Oh. Well, er, where are we going to get one?"
"Haven't you had any education?" she says. "Ring room service and ask them to send one up." "How do I ring room service?" "For goodness sake! Dial 0 and ask for room service." So he knocks the receiver off the hook, prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and when they answer, he says, "Quack! I'd like a pot of tea for two; some scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, a condom." "Certainly sir," says room service. "That'll be with you in 10
minutes." So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the
lake, and then there's a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says, "There's your tea, sir, and here's your condom. Shall I put it on your bill?" "Certainly not," says the duck. "What do you think I am, a pervert?"
enjoy the weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
