Well, this may give new meaning to the term "throwing pearls before swine," but here goes........
Dear Allen Bob/Billy Bob/Joe Bob/Johnny Elmer Bob/Clem Kaddidlehopper Bob or whatever your name is this week:
I first thought I'd suggest that you re-read my original post. Slowly. On further reflection however, I would like to suggest an alternative that is......uh..... substantially more realistic. I am very hopeful you may find the suggestions I humbly offer below to be helpful.
Tomorrow morning when you get out of bed, after you've had your first can of Bud and your first wad of Red Man of course, put on your boots (if you own any). Kiss the wife (your sister Bobby Sue) goodbye. Then leave your trailer, get the hound dog and jump in your pickup truck (the one that more or less cranks, not the ones on blocks in the yard). Drive down the road till you get to the nearest paved road. Make sure you have a full tank of gas, it might be a long drive. You'll be able to tell it's paved because it is black and smooth, there's some lines painted on it, and there aren't any ruts in it.
Drive down the paved road till you reach civilization. The way you'll know you have reached civilization (or a crude approximation of same) is that there are people there living in buildings that don't have wheels on them, and there are wires connected to the buildings (they supply electricity), and the bathrooms are indoors.
Walk around town and ask people how far they got in school. Keep asking until you meet somebody who completed high school at least.
(uh..... High School is what comes after you graduate from grammar school. You have to stay in grammar school for eight years or so [not all in the same grade], and then they let you go on to higher education, hence the name---High School.......get it? This might be very confusing to you, but really it is very logical. Trust me on that.)
Once you've located somebody who graduated from high school, ask them if they can read, since evidently they never got around to learnin' you readin' in your two-year educational career at the schoolhouse.
Ask them to read my post to you. One word at a time, very slowly...... gooooood! Now ask them to read it again. Remember to concentrate very carefully. Might want to crack another Bud, it can only help stimulate the few neurons you have left, and believe me, those neurons will need all the stimulation they can get.
Make sure you find somebody who has a lot of patience. This could take a long time.
Make sure they can explain all the big words to you. The "big words" are called "big words" because they contain more than three letters. You may not have seen these in first and second grade back at the schoolhouse. This is very advanced, I realize, but that's why you'll need to talk to somebody with extensive higher educa--- uh, a high school education.
I am very hopeful that, if you apply yourself well, this might help you understand some things that you evidently missed. This may take considerable time and effort, but I assure you it will be a rewarding experience. Book learnin' is a very good thing, contrary to what you pappy might have told ya.
If you have further questions after that, then please ask, and I shall do my best to assist you in any way I can.
With kindest regards and warmest hopes for your cultural development,
Walkingshadow |
