Many do not have much stomach for parody so close to disaster; if you do not, then skip this.
A guy I know has a knack for comedic screenwriting and just sent me this.
It's titled: The Manhunt...
( And so, in the horrific aftermath of the barbaric World Trade Center Bombing, begins the greatest, most extensive manhunt in the history of the planet... )
( In the White House Situation Room... )
BUSH: ( resolute ) I don't care what it takes. We've got to find this guy.
POWELL: Relax, Mr. President. We've got our best and brightest working on it. There's nowhere he can hide.
( And so, deep in a cave somewhere in Afganistan... )
FIRST TERRORIST: Relax, Osama Bin Laden. You have covered your tracks expertly. There is no way the infidels will find you.
BIN LADEN: Yes, it is true. It is true...
( Cell phone begins ringing )
FIRST TERRORIST: ( surprised ) What in the name of... ( he answers it ) Hello... ? ( hears a click, then voices, someone gets on the line ) What ... ? Who.... ? ( astonished, hands phone to Bin Laden ) It is for you, Great One.
BIN LADEN: ( confused ) Hello... ?
VOICE ON PHONE: Osama, how are you today Sir ?
BIN LADEN: ( angry ) Who in the name of the Evil One is this ?
VOICE ON PHONE: Sir, I represent Sandusky Home Improvement, Inc. Mr. Bin Laden, wouldn't you agree that your bunker would look better and last longer in clean, durable, carefree aluminum siding ?
BIN LADEN: Go away !! ( He hangs up )
( Cell Phone rings again )
FIRST TERRORIST: ( fearful ) Do not answer it, Great One.
BIN LADEN: ( angrily ) Hello ?!!
VOICE ON PHONE: Mr. Bin Laden ?
BIN LADEN: ( furious ) Who in the name of Satan is this ?
VOICE ON PHONE: Good evening, Sir. This is Bambi for Quest, formerly U. S. West. We're contacting our best customers to tell them about our new, economical package of communications services, including call forwarding, call waiting, caller ID, telemarketing protection...
( He hangs up. )
BIN LADEN: Spawn of a thousand demon camels !
( A second terrorist walks in, shuffling through a pile of letters )
SECOND TERRORIST: ( amazed ) Look, Great One. Hundreds of VISA card solicitations, many with extensive credit lines and low, low introductory rates !
BIN LADEN: ( astonished ) Who on earth has delivered these ?
SECOND TERRORIST: A man in blue shorts and a white shirt... driving a small red, white and blue truck.
FIRST TERRORIST: ( drops rifle, horrified ) Ayeeeeeeee !
BIN LADEN: The U. S. Postal Service !!! Run away !!!!!!!
( They flee )
( Meanwhile, back in the White House Situation Room... )
BUSH: How's our Low Tech option of " Infinite Justice " going ?
POWELL: Everything's proceeding according to plan. The harpies have his number and are in the process of harrying him to death.
BUSH: What shall we sign him up for next ?
POWELL: We've just sent $ 10.00 donations in to the Sierra Club and Habitat for Humanity. Next we're going to sic Publisher's Clearing House on him and sign him up for a subscription to Watchtower.
BUSH: ( wringing hands ) Good. Good ! It won't be long now... |
