UGLY AMERICAN MANIFESTO
1. CNN and ESPN must be made available on cable TV in every world city over 50,000
2. MacDonald’s must have a franchise in every world city over 50,000
3. on Saturday night, women are permitted to wear makeup and short skirts throughout the world
4. Sports Illustrated, Business Week, NewYork Times, London Times must be available everywhere books are sold
5. the US dollar is an acceptable form of currency anywhere
6. every September 11th at noontime, radio stations must play “New York, New York”
7. Muslim government subsidies must be provided for people to purchase televisions
8. women who wear veils must perform community service at local strip joints
9. men who wear turbans and headdresses must submit to lice tests once per quarter
10. all Muslim high school students must pass Rock & Roll proficiency tests
11. Muslim teenagers must claim allegiance to Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson
12. all terrorist damage to US property must be repaired at the expense of OPEC
13. a $10 tax per printed copy of the Koran is directed toward victim family funds
14. a $1 per barrel tax on OPEC oil to fund R&D on hydrogen & renewable energy
15. the Red Crescent relief organization will have its name changed to Red Cross
16. Muslims must pass security clearance in order to fly on commercial airlines
17. capital punishment for terrorist murder is to be death by building demolition
18. Muslims owning weapons must have ID device implanted under skin, for monitoring
19. US aircraft has free landing rights on any/all airports worldwide
20. Islamic Shrine in Mecca will be available to foreign infidel sightseers
21. all citizens must make an annual mecca to the beach, and wear speedo suits
22. no soccer game may be played with a human head used as a ball
23. American Muslims need NOT wear an armband
24. the bounty on Salman Rushdee’s head is officially lifted
25. any country harboring terrorist camps will be evacuated, converted to a Club Med
26. all confirmed members of Al Qaeda must submit to a vasectomy
27. all domestic Politically Correct initiatives are hereby declared as felony misdemeanors
28. a 10-year moratorium on any Muslim owning or operating an airplane
29. Muslims must show ticket stubs for “King Kong” to develop appreciation of animal habitat and twin towers
30. Muslim nation 401k accounts must be directed at least 20% toward US stocks and bonds
31. colleges in Islamic nations must have fraternities in order to learn to drink responsibly
32. demonstrators against the US will be forced to undergo true Koran training, and must wear New York Yankee caps instead of headdress (Met cap optional)
33. Osama bin Laden must shave his face, remove headdress, before his throat is slit
34. all Muslim citizens must prove awareness of the History of Totalitarian States
/ JW (with tongue in cheek) |
