friday's funnies...
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
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AND GOD CREATED WOMAN
And she was good.
And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts.
And God asked woman what she would like to have changed
about herself.
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God
what should be done with the useless boob.
And God created man...
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Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...Today, it's called golf.
Q: Moms have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single guys have? A: Palm Sunday
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A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"...She says, "Well, your name never came up...
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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real
surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
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Five-year-old Missy answered the door when the Mailman came by. She
told the Mailman that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the Mailman, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen Hundred dollars, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
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For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about
the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the
mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The
six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Johnny burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
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This one man comes to America from a foreign country. He is at a baseball game for the first time. While he is sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a ball and then run. He notices everyone get up and start to scream "run." So the next time someone hits the ball he stands up and says "run ya bastard run." Now that he got the hang of it he did this every time the ball was hit. A few minutes later he sees a guy lay down the bat and walk towards first base, so he gets up and says "run ya bastard run." Every one started to laugh. He sat down in embarrassment and a man kindly leaned over his shoulder and said "he doesn't have to run." The man replied "why not?" He said "because he's got four balls." So the foreign man stood up and said . . ."walk with pride my boy!
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partner.
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Things Dogs Must Try To Remember:
** The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
** I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
** I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
** I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
** I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
** I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
** "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
** I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
** The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
** I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
** I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
** When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
** We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
** The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
** I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
have fun this weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
