I found one of my former favourites again :D
thebrainstrust.co.uk
Like the Onion but British. And even more visceral, cynical and surreal.
Here's today's lead...
thebrainstrust.co.uk
TERRORISTS "CONCEDE DEFEAT" FOLLOWING BLAIR SPEECH
Following the historic speech by Tony Blair to the Labour party conference in Brighton, the entire planet has been united in a suffusion of peace, love and understanding as the divine words of the Prime Minister have convinced fanatics to abandon holy war and brought peace to the "entire bloody world."
...
On hearing Mr Blair's statement that there would be "a battle with only one outcome: our victory, not theirs" Afghanistan's Taliban Government immediately resigned, and Osama bin Laden announced his retirement from terrorism, pledging to embark upon a life of good deeds and promising to reconstitute Al Qa'ida as a small-scale charity looking after wounded furry animals.
...
According to a spokesperson Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown was said to have been so pleased by the reaction to the speech that he had "gone outside and shot himself violently through the head."
Meanwhile,
SCHOOL SUED OVER PUPIL'S OWN STUPIDITY
A West Sussex school is being sued by an ex-pupil for failing to get her a top grade in her Pottery 'A' Level. Educationalists are concerned that, if successful, the case could set a precedent, meaning anyone who has ever failed anything, anywhere, ever, could sue.
The writ was issued by the girl's parents who cannot be named for legal reasons (namely they are obviously psychotically litigious, and we're very, very scared). It claims that their daughter should have been given extra support given that "she's a bit lazy and really couldn't be arsed with wet ceramics, but she needed the grade to become a builder or something." They are claiming £150,000 to cover their daughter's potential loss of earnings, the distress caused and the fact that they now have a moody teenager mooching around the house instead of leaving home for University.
The Department of Education and Skills is reported to be following standard Whitehall procedures and rushing out five contradictory denials as quickly as possible and then forcing rash legislation through Parliament as soon as the Speaker will allow, possibly sooner. In this case, strict controls will be put in place to end discrimination against students hindered by debilitating conditions such as extreme laziness, general apathy, antisocial behaviour or generally being "a bit thick".
thebrainstrust.co.uk
Now I just have to catch up on the archives... oh, delight. Work had better stay quiet over the next few days... |
