friday's funnies...
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she
points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out
there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After
serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's abetter one.
Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"
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A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a
small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The
trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion
confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like
it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the
answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
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Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, " Marsha your 34 years old, your beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW. "
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When his ...38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it
worked.
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Yo' Momma's so ugly...
...when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.
...the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
...her face is closed on weekends.
Yo' Momma's so old...
...she still owes Moses a quarter!
...her birthday's expired.
...she farts dust.
...when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
...when she was young, rainbows were in black and white.
...her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it.
And, Yo Momma's so dumb...
...they had to burn down the school to get her out of 2nd grade.
...she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay-to-use toilet.
...she sold her car to get gas money.
...it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
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After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say is '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
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and finally...
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet
hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles
afterward."
make it a great weekend while the weather is still pleasant...
good fortune...
pops |
