<font color=green>VOLUME 456333 ISSUE 6234 cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED MAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! © cOUSIN SHORTY </font>
Yoyo MA HOWsit hangin BROw cOUSIN SHORTY hear with the latest and This is tHE BIIGest Deal yet for a lawn Time!
A PRESimentally CANDidate from FlamFoozy!!!!!!!!!!1
YOHAlf not herd on Yo plant of Him but his Namne is Notdan SMEGMatter, he reprESents the Journalists In No Known Space, or JINKS for SHORTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HA AHA HAAH AHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
THESe doods Plan on Taking over The wrold trghgh JOUNANLSM!!! Swe less get staARTED!!
cS: WELCOmeing to YO Notdan!!!!!!
NS: Thank you very much, cOUSIN SHORTY! I’m Notdan Smegmatter, and this is the news…wait. Sorry. Transporter Lag. I have some medicine, might I get a glass of water before we start the interview?
cS: SuRLY! LITTLE JIMMY has some Ginger ALE is That OK?
NS: [pops two white tablets and a green capsule] Yes, I suppose so. Since I am doing this as a public service to the people of Flamfoozy, I will abstain from royal demands for specific backstage items. I’m here to show solidarity with the Journalists from Backward Planets. Part of our Campaign Platform to take over all of Known Space.
cS: Ruh ruh riGHT!!! Swe less get staARTED!! WELCOmeing to YO Notdan!!!!!!
NS: [nods slightly and smiles vaguely] Thank you. I understand JINKS might have some supporters on that bleak planet down there. What can you tell me about them? Off the record, of course. Can you put me in touch with Wolf Blitzmeister? He’s interplanetarily famous, you know.
cS: WHAit Wait wAIT there uno Minutiae Notdan!!!!!!1 This hEAR is The CHICKENSHEET, we done The Axing hear. YoRe a RASCal!!! The pebbles want to no about YO!!! Lick the time you got RUFfed up on the Floor of the NATional ConVENTion!!!!!1 THAT CrackeD ME up!!!!!!!!!!!!1
NS: Old news, cOUSIN, old news. Conservative jackanapes who chose sides without thinking. Nothing of interest for you. I’d rather interview Wolf. Of course you would know his story, since you are familiar with their history. He’s the journalist that broadcast live while hiding under a desk in a hotel in Baghdad while the United States was in the middle of the Gulf War. SHORTY?
cS: HE’s FAMous For THATT??? WHY”???
NS: Not picking sides! That’s our Prime Directive, as you might say. Never Ever Pick Sides. Just Report the News. SHORTY?
cS: SOUNDs Weerd, dood. Do YO think IT Can work? And Why are YO saying my Name at the End of every paragRAphp?
NS: It’s an over-to-you signal, sorry, I forgot. To answer your first question; of course it works! Name me one time in your entire life when you did not get into trouble when you picked sides! It’s so simple, most non-journalists never even focus the camera on it, let alone get any good footage. And without good footage and a replay machine, life as we know it would soon cease to exist. Modern Journalism would go the way of the large cats whose only reminders are tar soaked bones dredged up from the Pits down the street from our Main Studios back on the Home World.
cS: WOWie. YO are talking about EXTINCtion!
NS: [turns off the microphone, sips from a metal flask he is carrying, composes himself quickly, then turns the microphone back on] That’s right. That’s what happens when you pick sides. A quote from the Father of Modern Journalism, Vacillin Perplexoid, comes to mind. “’Tis better to be sitting in one’s own waste under a desk being bombed by ‘friendlies’ than to help any non-journalists by choosing sides.”
cS: Notdan, You LOST me. HOW is That goOD?
NS: [maintains perfect composure] Bad News, SHORTY. Choosing sides is just Bad News. Leave that up to the editors. If everyone on Flamfoozy would just stop picking sides, we could just get on with war and crime and tragic death. Constant reminders that nothing is safe interwoven with affordable miracle solutions for being too fat to get through the double-wide front entrance at the Piggly Wiggly. Revenues would soar, hunger would be a thing of the past. Everyone could eat and drink all day and all night! Everyone would get what they wanted. Especially us! Let’s look at that clip of the spaceship blowing up again, in slow motion. Right after and right before some unending brief messages about various medications and muscle shocking devices from our sponsors. [turns microphone off and takes another sip from his flask]
cS: Na na na nah Notdan. No way HOSAy. That’s Nuts. I saw a REal TV show where some pebbles were trapped in a flood and a news helicopter that was shooting it had to go in and RESCUE HTHE Firemammals that were trapped and going to die!!!
NS: Yes, very sad. I have my ribbon here on my breast pocket, as you see. A Very Dark Day for Journalists In No Known Space and indeed, all of Journalism. A regrettable incident that proves my point. The moment the cameraman helped a firefighter by pulling him to safety was the moment that journalist put down his microphone. No commentary, no footage, no replay in slow motion, no message from our sponsors, no food backstage, no medicine, no interns, no flask, no…no…NO! NO!!! AAGGHH!!!!!!!1 FIRST AMENDMENT!!! AAGGHH!!!! [turns of microphone, takes large drink from flask, composes himself quickly, then turns microphone back on] SHORTY?
cS: WhaTT?
NS: You mentioned in your invitation that you had something I would be interested in. Tell me about it.
cS: OH RIGHT I almost FoRGOT!!!! Notdan, yoRE GOIng to LICk my SurprisE! IN Eacakly five cycles, there is going To be a MUTINy on this SpaceCReaft, and YOU GET THE EXLUSIVE!!! Hear is your camera and Tape Machine, you can REPORT IT All Safely from outSide that Airlock Door right There! Yo Won’t need A desk like Wolf!!!!!!!
NS: Exclusive, you say? Can we get that in writing with a release? This is Notdan Smegmatter, reporting live from a spacecraft in orbit around a primitive mammal planet in the Outer Regions. We have an exlusive story from an unnamed source [reaches for airlock door and turns handle]
[whooshing sound as Notdan exits the spacecraft]
cS: And TAKE Wolf with yoU!!!!!!!! AHA HA AHAHHA HAHA HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 What a BONEHEad! I guess that Throws a snargfark in the Intergalactic Campaign of the Journalists In No Known Space, eh?????
I’ll think Twice about letting onE of those WEAsel s onto the ship in tHe future. Then I”LL LET them coVEr the Next MutinY!!!!!!!
Until nextime, this Is YO Fried, cOUSIN SHORTY, ReportiNG Live, now BACk to your REGulARY scheDlueld DRUg CommeRCIAL!!!!!!!!
AAHA AHA HAHAHA AHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Yo FRIed,
cOUSIN SHORTY |
