This column from today's NYT made me laugh:
Know Your Homeland Defense Agency
By BRUCE McCALL
. The principal functions of Homeland Defense are:
(a) Registering whittlers
(b) Cracker-barrel inspection
(c) Infiltrating Grange meetings
(d) Silo safety
(e) Checking fence lines
All above answers are wrong. The correct answer is that all Homeland Defense functions are classified.
2. Draw a line through the places listed below that are not homeland:
(a) farm
(b) Lamborghini dealership
(c) vineyard
(d) disco
(e) country store
(f) mountain
(g) fishing hole
(h) belt factory
(i) luge run
If you struck the disco, the Lamborghini dealership and the luge run, you may hold a condescending view of the homeland as hayseed
country. Discos, Lamborghini dealerships and luge runs proliferate in the American homeland.
Correct answer: you only know you're in homeland when you are there.
3. You and your best gal are rocking on the porch swing when a big black helicopter appears directly overhead and a voice on a
loudspeaker says, "Spot check! Freeze!" Do you:
(a) Freeze
(b) Keep on rocking
(c) Other.
Correct answer: c. Homeland Defense helicopters are painted red, white and blue; someone may be trying to dupe you. "Other" may include
hiding under the swing or posting a "No Trespassing" sign to shoo the copter away.
4. Yes or no: Homeland Defense officers in hot pursuit of a suspicious cow, tractor or turnip truck are authorized to enter cities.
Answer: Absolutely not! This would create a jurisdictional conflict with your Hometown Defense Agency. That's why there's your No Man's
Land Defense Agency, constantly patrolling the "DMZ" between Homeland Defense and Hometown Defense to prevent just such
incursions.
5. A man in a straw hat, holding a pitchfork, challenges you to give the secret password as you return home late from the strawberry social.
You know he's "for real" because:
(a) He's not from these parts
(b) He has one of those radio wire things in his ear
(c) He tries to stab you with the pitchfork when you blurt out the first word that comes to your mind as the secret password.
Answer: All viable answers. Bottom line: your Homeland Defense Agency's 9 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) curfew is not a joking matter.
P.S.: The secret password is "The frost is on the punkin." Memorize it!
6. The obvious difference between your Homeland Defense Agency and the F.B.I., C.I.A., N.S.A., state police, local law enforcement and
Better Business Bureau is:
(a) Its symbol is a cow in combat fatigues brandishing a tommy gun concealed in a butter churn
(b) Better pension plan
(c) Homeland Defense Agency personnel are issued wallet-size laminated reproductions of Grant Wood's "American Gothic."
The obvious answer is (d) Your Homeland Defense Agency is the only such body legally authorized to ignore Cattle Crossing, Thickly
Settled and Falling Rock signs.
7. If a Homeland Defense Agency representative appears at your door or calls by phone asking for donations to the Homeland Defense
Agency Athletic League, should you give $1,000, $100 or $10?
Answer: There is no Homeland Defense Agency Athletic League. Sharpen up and take your cue from the agency's motto, "Be Suspicious."
It's everybody's first line of defense.
For more information, visit any Homeland Defense office, in fine country general stores everywhere. |
