KABUL JUBILANT AS NEW "ARMED MANIACS" TAKE OVER FROM OLD
Kabul residents took to the streets today to celebrate the news that a group of "armed Islamic militants with a bad human rights record" have taken power at the expense of another group of "armed Islamic militants with a bad human rights record."
"This is a historic moment," Commander al-Dhumskru went on. "We have taken back our country from the savages, who are funded by wealthy foreign terrorists and have brought our country nothing but violence, repression and misery."
But a defiant Commander Abdul al Mad-Bhuztard, of the defeated Taleban, speaking in a video filmed at his secret mountain hideaway, pledged: "We will be back. This is merely a temporary setback in the battle to save our country from these barbarians, who get their money from wealthy foreign governments and brought our country nothing but repression, misery and violence when they were last in power."
However Commander al-Dhumskru promised that his army had changed in opposition. "We have abandoned the discredited ways of the past," he said. "We marched into Kabul a reformed bunch of psychopathic warlords and we will govern as a reformed bunch of psychopathic warlords. New Northern Alliance - new methods of repression."
A Pentagon spokesman denied accusations that there wa no difference between the two sides. He told us: "Hell, they may both be murdering, raping sons of bitches who get their kicks from torturing people. But never forget, one side are our murdering, raping sons of bitches who get their kicks from torturing people. And what's more, they've promised only to murder and repress people within their own borders, and you can't say fairer than that."
One wide-eyed flag waver told us "It was time for a change. I was fed up with the tired old torture techniques of the old lot. They had run out of new ideas. It was time we tried letting the other warlords have a go."
A jubilant Commander Mohammed al-Dhumskru addressed a cheering crowd and told them: "A new dawn has broken over our nation. The Afghan people have put their trust in us. It is a moving and a humbling experience. And we will bear this in mind as we decide how many of you to kill, and how."
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