pop's xmas funnies...
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube
socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on
my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my
wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I
watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and
looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn
to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller
named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named
Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I
said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big
beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full
of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man
I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth
now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell
me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought
what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've
spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I
thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she
walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought
maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a
bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on
the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to
look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison
standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin'
as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did
run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I
thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out
bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But
he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped
a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he
jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
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Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles
15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"
12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" (Of course, I'd be an excellent President.)
6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"
5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho,Ho!"
3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some new reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"
2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"
1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'
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Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines...
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what
the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any
underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty"
list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
...Toys You Won't see This Christmas...
~ Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit
~ Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula
~ "Jump-Start" Home Defibrilator: Save someone from a heart attack
without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital!
~ "Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made from 100% recycled beer.
~ "Time Life Books.. Home Surgery"
~ "'Stripper Fun' Barbie"
~ "Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor
~ Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button!
~ "'Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient' Barbie"
~ "Nice Ass" Jeans
~ "Operating Fun' Barbie": Give Barbie a new heart, lung, or kidney!
~ "Other Side" Near-Death Inducing Kit: See your deceased loved ones momentarily! (Caution: May cause irreversible results.)
~ "Lung Drano": Cleans out the lungs of the serious smoker
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and finally...
Why did Santa Claus go to jail?
For laying Barbie under the tree...
Q: Why does Santa have such big balls?
A: Because he only cums once a year...
Have you heard? Santa and his reindeer landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, "I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!"
Q: What happens when you eat tinsel?
A: You get tinselitis...
have a very merry christmas...please designate a driver...
good fortune...
pops |
