Anyone else notice that this parenting job sometimes means making some really tough decisions. Last week I was faced with one of those tough choices. Here's what happened.
Living here in the snow belt, the favorite backyard winter pass-time is sled riding. The kids had a 4 day weekend last week, with The Martin Luther King, Jr. Holiday on Monday, and on Tuesday, they were off because of a teachers-in-service day. What started out as a chance to have some fun, and do things other than school, turned out to be a stay at home vacation from school. Of all weekends for Brian to get sick. So the other children had been homebound almost all weekend. On Monday, Brian was taking it easy. Michael and Kevin had gone outside to play in the snow. As I bundled up Kevin, my heart felt a bit mellow, knowing that next year, he would be even less reliant on my helping him to get ready to go outside. When the older children were babies, I loved the idea of that. Kevin being the "baby," that thought pulled at my heart strings. I watched the two of them wander out into the snow. After a little while, Michael came back in and ask if he could go sled riding across the street. He said he would take Kevin with him. I gave permission for the two of them to go. I felt like they needed to have some fun, with having to stay home for most of their little break from school. They had been gone for well over an hour.....maybe closer to about 90 minutes. I went outside and called for them to come home. I waited a bit for them to return home, which did not happen. I waited a while longer, then I ask Emily to go get them. Out she went, only to return in short order. Michael and Kevin were already on their way home, when she caught up with them. When Emily came in the house, the first thing she said was, "Hey Mom, why don't you ask Michael where they went." You might say, I took the bait, but as a parent, I most likely would have ask them about their sled riding adventure anyway. I was very disappointed to find out that Michael had taken his 5 year old brother and went across town to a "better hill" for sled riding. I should explain, where we live, to go across "town" it means to go about 10-12 blocks away. I was very unhappy with Michael for doing this, for several reasons. I would not have felt comfortable with him taking his brother all that way. In retrospect I may have learned a lesson in all of this, that he can be more responsible than I thought, as he took his brother and brought him home safe and sound. In spite of that little lesson I may have learned, Michael had disobeyed, by not being where he was supposed to be. I was upset with him, and told him, "Wait 'til your Dad gets home!!" That is just a joke, but I did tell him there would be a consequence for his not being where he was supposed to be. I discussed with him that it is important for me to know where he is, and that he is safe. I also explained to him, that with Brian being home sick, had I needed to leave and take Brian back to the hospital, I would not have known where to find Michael and Kevin. I told him, I was not sure of what the punishment for this would be, as I would talk to his Dad about it and we would make a decision together. I felt very strongly that if he feels at age 11, he can get away with not being where he says he is going, what will happen when he is say 15 or 16 years old. The consequences that immediately came to mind, that would truly impact him, were not doable. One of those things was for him to lose going to basketball practice or a basketball game. Using either of those would have undermined the principle of "team" and "team commitment" that we have tried to instill in our children. We have taught them to believe that when they join a team they have a responsibility to the other members of the team to be at practices and games. So that was not a choice. There was the basketball sleep over, but that seemed too harsh. I knew Michael was really looking forward to that. Little else had come to mind, that would make an impact on him, as to how serious I was about his being where he says he will be. I was glad I did not simply react and hand out a punishment. I was glad I had "bought" some time, by needing to talk it over with his Dad. But I was totally unprepared for what Michael had to say, about an hour after he came home. He came to me and said, "Mom, it was really fun, I think no matter what punishment I get, it will have been worth it." He did not say it smugly or cocky, but very matter of fact. This posed a new issue for me. There was absolutely no remorse on his part. In essence he was saying to me, that disobeying and being punished for it was worth it, if the disobedience was enough fun to make it worth while. I said, "Oh really, it was worth it, no matter what the punishment is?" He said, "Yes, it was really fun." Now mind you, he was not being smart aleck about what he was saying, but unfortunately I still felt a greater need at this point, to make him realize what a mistake he had made. I said to him, "Even if it means losing the sleep over on Saturday night??" Giving him a chance to think about it, I went downstairs. I had chosen my words carefully, because I did not want to take that away from him. He came downstairs crying, wanting anything but that as his punishment. I again clarified what he had said upstairs, and told him that taking away the sleep over was what I was leaning towards as his punishment. I had left myself enough leeway to change my mind. Which I figured based on his behavior in that coming week, I might just allow him to go. I felt horrible, he cried for a long time, but I thought that was a good sign, the seriousness had to be registering. I knew absolutely that his Dad would not be in agreement with my taking away the sleep over, as Dad is quite the pushover for his namesake!! Another reason I had left it open enough that I could conditionally change the consequence. It was not until bed time that more of the story unfolded. Emily told me that when she met up with Michael, he begged her not to tell me, where they had been. So I now knew that Michael was fully aware that he had done something wrong. When I questioned him about it, he said when he ask his sister not to tell, he said he honestly did not know if he would have told me where they went or not. I have no doubt...KEVIN would have told!!! Kevin would have unknowingly told, after having such a great time sledding. I realized at this point that there was very little chance of my changing my mind about his missing the sleep over.
As the week progressed, Michael indicated several times how much he wanted to go to the sleep over. I told him I understood that. I used his bringing it up again as an opportunity to see if he really understood what I wanted him to learn from this. I explained to him that the issue of "trust" came into play. I trusted him to be where he said he was going. I explained that my concern was, that if I could not trust him to be where he said he was going to be at age 11, how would I be able to trust him when he got older.
One evening during the week while he was at basketball practice, someone ask him about the sleep over. Michael simply told them, not to ask him about it, he didn't want to talk about it.
It got even tougher for both he and I, when it came time for the sleep over on Saturday night. I really wished I could have changed my mind, but I knew I had to stick with the tough parenting decision I had already made. Saturday evening, the basketball team had returned from their away game that day, and a nice dinner out at a sit down restaurant. Mike and I had gone to the game and to dinner with the team, as did many other parents. When we got back to school, there was a Cub Scout event that our son Brian was involved with. I was going home, and Mike was staying with Brian. We gave Michael the option to go home or to stay with the team until it his Dad was coming home. Michael choose to hang out with the guys. He was again faced with the question from his buddies as to why he was not staying. He walked over to me at one point, before I left for home and said......"Mom, this is so hard." I am sure that until he is a parent himself, he will not understand how difficult it was on me as well. About 2 hours later, Michael left the sleep over, and came home with his Dad. That night when I tucked him in bed, I could see a deep look of contemplation on his face. I ask him what he was thinking about. He told me he was just wondering what he might be doing right then if he had been allowed to stay. A question we will never know the answer to. Likewise, I may never know if this was the right or wrong way to handle this, but for now it seems like it was what I had to do. |
