The Telespasmic Ramrod
Plunging Headlong into the Telespasm Cesspool
Preparing for the Telecosmic Portfolio Implosion this week, the excitement mounts. Nearly every day some industry jackass petitions us for a podium to tell the audience about a redemptive new broadband technology or business plan, which will wreck our financials. But up here in the ghettoes known as Great Blumpkinton, nearly free of any kind of financial sense, we are still surrounded on all sides by gear heads and their disdain for business insight.
So, as I search for a scapegoat to blame the demise of the glorified real estate play known as Exodus, I find that Clinton or Greenspam work as well as anyone. Greenspam is about as easy to decipher as well, I am. Hooogly boogly boogly hoogly!! See, thought I was telling you about a new optical company, didn’t ya? Morons.
Anyway, as the Exodus of cash continues out of my coffers, I watch as another emerging dominatrix whips me into submission. Yes, I speak of Global Crushing. Refusing to say "Oklahoma" (my safety word) as the shares drop from $60 to .60, I enjoy the sadistic feeling, akin to a canker sore one cannot stop touching. I have not had such a feeling since I shorted Qualcomm all the way to $800, giving me a beating unlike any other. To celebrate, I indeed followed the lead of the TV show ‘Jackass’ and did a cannonball into a cesspool. The sweet spring air of the Telespasm is as fresh as ever…
Williams takes on CDMA
As the sputtering GTR slows to its ultimate resting stop in the newsletter junkyard, we enter the last phase of fulfilling our excelsior promise of CDMA grandeur. Code division what*.??? No no silly, you've got it all wrong. The Complete Destruction of Managed Assets (CDMA) portfolio quakes as we add what may be the final deathblow to our savvy investors. But, instead of giving it to you right up front, let's analyze the history of this juggernaut of a subsidiary.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, the cosmic collision of a
GerryCurl and activator spewed forth a telespasmic messenger of seismic proportion. The one figure emboldened with a brave vision of a new future, seasoned with a hint of ghetto jive. I refer of course to the immortal, Billy Dee Williams, whose roles in the heart-wrenching "Brian's Song" and captivating "Lady Sings the Blues" helped shape a nation. The timely and ever so symbolic portrayal of Lando Calrissian won critical acclaim and arguably foreshadowed much of present day socio-economic strife. But the turning point of this young social engineer's life hinged on the simple combination of old west style and fine crafted malt liquor. You guessed it, Colt 45 was reborn.
Who could forget the helpful reminder from BD that at the end of a hard day, all your troubles can effortlessly fade into the sunset, like a GTR-based portfolio, as long as you've got yo'self a fine woman, and a forty of the best distilled spirit available.
The following morning, as we catch the last vestiges of the repo man driving off in our '76 El Dorado, we harken back to BD's advice from the previous night*."Works every time." Damn straight he was right! And 'fess up, how many of us did not fantasize about that Shlitz Malt Liqour Bull charging in on Billy Dee, only to have his jive ass handed to him by the master of cool, Mr. Williams?
And that's why Colt 45 makes the list. Colt is a subsidiary to the Pabst
brewing family (and really, you are family when holding a 45). After losing a supposed cool $100 mill, its nice to just pop the top, hold your brown bag proudly in the air and bask in the rays of CDMA.
If you want to unleash the true power of CDMA, just yell PBRmeASAP three times while simultaneously grabbing your ankles and renewing your GTR subscription.
In the immortal words of Billie Dee*…"Works every time."
Photonic Outhouses
While sitting in a steamy outhouse at Pinecliff Park on an August day last summer, my ability to concentrate over the screams of children playing, as well as my own howls of pain, makes me hallucinate for a moment. Could it be the optical revolution may in fact be an evolution? Will the industry giants not be disrupted in such a rapid manner? Perhaps, the single largest write-off in business history - $46 BILLION – by JDSU, dwarfs some inventory corrections made by the king of the market, Cisco. How could such a moronic move have happened?
The only answer again, is Greenspam. His assault on optical technologies is unprecedented. Granted, he doesn’t know what optical technologies are, and has probably never heard of JDSU, but just let me have this moment, I need it. Uh oh, it seems as if some jovial teenagers are engaging in a prank while I sit on my fiberglass throne…the world seems to be turning...oh no, don’t tip this thing over facing door down…
The Storewidth Dump
As I lay in the aftermath of what was once a new shirt I procured from Target, I manage to rock the somewhat intact, light blue outhouse structure sideways and climb out unharmed, say for a few shots that will be needed at the clinic and a serious bath. Which leads me into our newest Telespasmic storage company, American Standard. Yes the company has seemingly old technology, but its kilns make some of the finest thrones in the industry.
Its newest throne, Silicone Server, is still in beta and but may have the widest pipes seen this side of other debacles such as ‘The Great Dig’ in downtown Boston. Sure, EMC has billions in cash and IBM is the IT industry equivalent of the Yankees, but American Standard’s revolutionary architecture and groundbreaking performance will ensure its place among this newsletter’s ‘Nad Nine once it goes public. Perhaps this company will also expand into emerging areas such as touchpads and cameras, further disintegrating what I have left in my checkbook. No, I have no idea what I’m talking about either, but give me a break, I just got tipped over.
Grumblings from the Hamburglar…
I am told from the Hamburglar that a start up located in the bowels of our nation’s capital has invented a new hand held laser-like device, used for such ephemeral applications as hair and tattoo removal. The implications on the Telespasm are unclear, but it appears the sun is rising on yet another technology that could disrupt current equipment used in tattoo parlors all across the fruited plain.
This could be worth hundreds of dollars of revenue for the new venture, currently known as Auto Synchronous Systems (OTC: ASS), and run by a portly gentleman with 3 PhD’s in Chevrolet Engine Mechanics and a resume which includes a long stint in the early 1980’s as, you guessed it, Grimace. It will take more than some grease smeared on a lens, analogous to what happened to Val Kilmer’s character in the 1985 cinematic tour de force Real Genius, to stop this oncoming laser train. The potential for such relatively enormous profits (well, compared to my ‘nad nine picks anyway) will trump wealth not see by my newsletter in years. Stay tuned for this burgeoning development…rovel rovel rovel…
The 'Nad Nine
Kmart
Global Crushing
New Frontier Media (just cause I like their stuff)
Arthur Andersen
Globalstump
Tyco
ITT (their technical schools are kinda neat)
GTR
Pabst Brewing Company (private - in the tradition of Scale Eight, BlueArc, Narad, Soma, Genoa, and Chorum) *
Removed from the list:
Enron (we couldn't have done more damage if we'd have covered them in our newsletter, how's that work for ya?)
*Added to the list |
