OT: a friend of mine who shoulda been a screenwriter (though he may lack the PC-ness) sent this today; it recalls Guy Madison and Andy Devine from the early TV days, only it's PG-13 rated:
Wild Bill Goes Through Airport Security
( Wild Bill approaches security. Heavily armed National Guardsmen are all about, chatting among themselves. Wild Bill is challenged by a newly minted federal employee just off the plane from New Delhi… )
GANJI: ( very friendly ) Good morning, sir. Please to be removing hat.
WILD BILL: ( cautious ) My hat ?
GANJI: ( smiling ) Yes, sir. I see that your hat has a very shiny silver band, so you must remove it from your head and send it through this detector here ( pointing to conveyer belt ) where it may be scanned for possibly dangerous explosive or incendiary devices.
WILD BILL: ( sending hat through scanner ) Well, ( he chuckles ) that's a new one on me.
GANJI: ( still grinning ) And now Sir, if you please, step this way and pass through this fashionable doorway, which will inspect your person for further questionable materials.
WILD BILL: ( still cautious ) You want me to walk through this thing ?
( He attempts to walk through )
SCANNER: AIAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!
GANJI: ( smiling ) If you please sir, kindly step back through the doorway, remove all coins, keys and other items from your pockets, place them in the incredibly cheap and filthy plastic container which I hold in my hand and try again.
( Wild Bill steps back and removes a few silver dollars and jackknife from pockets )
GANJI: ( spotting jackknife ) Ah ! There we have it ! I'm afraid we are going to have to confiscate this dangerous and potentially lethal device. Now, if you please, Sir… Attempt to pass through the doorway once again.
WILD BILL: ( getting annoyed ) What do you mean " confiscate "…
GANJI: ( firmly ) If you please, Sir. The line is beginning to back up. I must ask that you…
( Wild Bill once again attempts to pass through the scanner… )
SCANNER: AIAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!
GANJI: ( getting flustered, picks up wand ) Sir, if you will please step over here so that I might inspect your person with this very expensive metal detecting device.
WILD BILL: Metal detecting ? Is that what this is all about ?! Well then here's what's causing all the commotion…
( Six shooters appear as if by magic in his hands )
WILD BILL: … these two shootin' arns here.
TWO NATIONAL GUARDSMEN: ( suddenly noticing what's going on ) GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN !!!!!!!
( Forty Guardsmen jump Wild Bill and wrestle him to the ground. )
WILD BILL: ( head sticking out from the pile ) What in the hell… ?
GANJI: Do not be overly concerned, Sir. Unfortunately, we must now ask you kindly to accompany us to a small room nearby where you will be forced to remove your clothes so that we may look up your asshole.
WILD BILL: ( alarmed ) Look up my… ?!
( Jingles approaches on the run, holding his hat on his head with his hand )
JINGLES: ( Andy Devine voice ) Hey, Wild Bill ! They have fancy crappers here that flush all by themselves !
( He notices Wild Bill on the floor ) Bill, what in the name of sweet Mary is goin' on ?!
GUARDSMAN: ( M-16 at the ready, all business ) You a friend of his ?
JINGLES: Who… him ? I never saw him before in my life. ( turns to leave )
GUARDSMEN: ( spotting Jingles' armament ) GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN !!!!!!
( Forty Guardsmen jump Jingles, disarm him and wrestle him to the ground )
JINGLES: Hey !!! Wild Bill !!!
WILD BILL: ( sarcastic ) Don't worry, Jingles. They just want to…
GANJI: ( smiling ) … to take off your clothes and look up your asshole. It's really just a routine matter.
JINGLES: Oh, my lord.
GANJI: I will look up your friend's asshole. My co-worker Brother-in-Law here, Sanjiv, who is saving to bring his entire nuclear family to this great country where they may own and run a chain of convenience stores, will have the honor of looking up your asshole.
JINGLES: ( moaning ) Well, wait just a darn minute. What about the horses we've got tied up out front ?
GANJI: Ah ! We will also bring your accomplices to the small room with us. There someone will look up THEIR assholes.
JINGLES: But people have been walking by doing that for the last 20 minutes already.
( Wild Bill and Jingles are led off )
SANJIV: Oh, brother-in-law. We have not had so much fun since Uncle Rama slipped on the soap and tumbled headfirst into the Ganges.
GANDI: And you will not have such fun running convenience stores, I assure you.
SANJIV: ( as they walk off ) Are you sure you do not want the honor of looking up the asshole of the fat one ? |
